So this is a new year.

With christmas, the 29th, Eid and new year's eve taking place firmly one after the other, I can ever so blandly say that I've lost taste. That sounds dark, I know, but I do feel as though my emotional center has melted down. I think I've spent a lot of time smashing down my feelings that I'm no longer capable of articulating what's inside. Everything seems to be muted; great joy and sadness, love and sorrow, even acute disappointments. I no longer feel entitled to them that they simply get lost inside me; finding their way to the safest, furthest place away from my heart.

Deep down I am worrying. I don't want to talk about it because I'm afraid that it'll open floodgates that will never close again. I'm afraid that if I had to come down right to it, I'd have to realise that I am not okay. Then I'd have to deal and dress it up in front of people pretending I am; which would gloriously smash myself even further down.

I realise much of 2006 has been self-deconstructing lies. I keep secrets from myself, letting much of anger tear me apart for moments of girlish conviction. I find it hard to trust, as though every word is a trap, every thought a treason. I really thought I was healing, but that mighty word has obviously been tamped down into oblivion now that I see clearly. The whole year, and I haven't even so much as let myself get healed.

This 2007, I want to know why, and if I ever really will.