A word about : l o v e

Love.


The 4 letter word that's able to steal your concious away and make you be someone you've always hated. Hm.. everybody experiences love of some sort in this world. Even a newly born baby.. wrapped around a blue or pink blanket, experience love. An addicted teenager, experience love [although that's kind of in a different way^^;;]. Everybody has some experience of it in some way, that's for sure. An optimistic person's word of "Love is all around".. I find true. In this world we like to call reality, it really is. What's sad is our ignorance of not noticing it.. or rather, trying not to. Always taking it for granted... always thinking there's another chance.


Is it true though? Yes, some say.. there will always be love till the day you last inhale oxygen on earth. You don't believe me? hehe.. but it's true, dig in deeper to my statement.. I've never said anything about human love *winks* No, I'm kidding... I am concentrating on that, actually. So, where was I? Oh yes... another chance for love. So, let's take it as if there is... would it automatically be better? That, I'm afraid, is an absolute NO.
You might regret things later on.. and yes, we all do that. It doesn't necessarily mean that you can console yourself with that basis though. It's just a reason that humans spurt out of their lips once in every while. Once too often.


So.. yes, let's always hear that second voice inside your head when it comes to love. It makes you vulnerable.. but if you can get the two voices to come out as one.. I think you'll have a stronger support. I remember.. I was lying on the floor one hot afternoon, when I heard this french accented guy spoke english on some comedy series, back in Dakar. He said : "You... you are afraid to fall in love, because you are afraid that that person can see clearly through your eyes, into your soul... and leave you being so vulnerable.." Clear.. but it came to me as the answer.

Back to Reality...

A title, appropriate to my blog's content of the day: "Back to Reality." Yes, my flight is tonight, merely saying that it's less than 6 hours from now. My emotions.. a mix. I'm surprised at myself for taking it rather well this time, unlike when my parents left me. I guess the person that is leaving is always more at ease, if there is any ease that is. This time, the goodbye is unsure.. unlike February's,, I was always at the constant cheer of thinking that I'll be seeing them in June. This time.. there is no promises. I don't know when I'll be seeing them again, nor do they.


Now the reason I have in choosing the word "reality" has something to do with my out-of-this-world period that I've enjoyed over the last 2 months. It was like I literally turned back in time, there was only the tiniest worries for all things. I know that there are my parents in whom I can count on worrying for things and constantly solving them... I've been pampered with the thought that I have them protecting me. But now... I feel so forever more tiny, so vulnerable. One thing goes wrong. That's it.


In times like this is when I know and able to judge my level of independence. I know I have to make it... and I have quite a bit of certainty that it will after weeks go by. But the final crucial step is about to come.. leaving that door and stepping my foot on that plane. That is when matters really count. That will be when my brain detects all the uncertainty from all organs covered by my flesh. That will be the goodbye.
Whatever the future has to offer me, I will embrace.

Mbour

I'm back from Mbour! My God.. it was really exciting.. it was a memory I'll never forget for the rest of my life. I went jetskiing! Yes, the motor perpetuating mini thing you see in Baywatch^^;; The only difference here is that it's not yellow Although trying my best to sound cool, I gotta admit.. I was dead hell scared minutes before my decision to try-now-or-never sends it's warning to my brain. Ok. I thought. Still thinking. Hehehe.. But I'm extremely glad I made it.. otherwise I would have regretted it.. I'm sure. So there I was [me behind the steer was out of the question!!! helloo..!] So I was behind a friend who's had experience the day before. The awesome part was that 2 jetskiis went off at the same time. My bro with Tika, bg Idhon and I. Off we went challenging the waves, at split seconds even hovering above the deep sea that only God knows what it's made-up of^^;;; It was fun.. incredibly fun. Other than that.. I went horse-riding with my little bros and sis, went clubbing [ok, that's new] went karaoke-ing [is there such verb? hehe] playing Gaple as I've said before [we played by partners, my poor partner has to always think twice and often fail to understand my moves- purely because I was playing without thinking hehe] I loved it, but every fun song has got to end.. and overlapped by a hectic/sad/melancholic song. And that song is waiting for me to press the PLAY button.

Sick?

I'm sick! why now.. when it's just days counting down before setting foot back in the forbidden city^^;; My body temperature's unstable, I have a runny nose, my eyes are weary and my body demands for a day in the jacuzzi. I'm exaggerating obviously, as usual I personally think that it's the thought of going back to that dehumanised world that bothers me. It clouds my thoughts.. honestly. Tomorrow is the big day where the whole member of the indo emb here will pay a short trip to Mbur. I'm hoping that I will make the most of my last vacation of the year, literally. I'll take profit by watching people jet-skiing [I personally am not in love with it], taking a ride on a horse back by the beach and playing gaple into the midsts of the night. Gaple is Indonesian for dominoes, with some lucid modifications to the rules and terms of playing of course
I don't know what else to say.. just that confrontation is the one thing I cannot stand. A person going up to me, asking "don't you care about me?" will simply be answered with a look of guilt and a series of mute language coming out of my lips. Not that this happened.. but I'm giving you the most visible example. For me, I simply cannot stand it.. even though the answer is " no, I actually really don't" .. but instead, I would just find ways of sliding out from the awkward position. My inability of facing or confronting matters are really kicking my ass out of life, really. I just don't buy it.. our purpose to clear matters instead of dragging it should be enough of a reason to explain it, right? Do we really think that by confronting [and maybe getting a direct painful response] would make the matter any better?! Sometimes it's wise to just assume the answer; experience proves me that it is the right and best thing to be doing. I hate to disappoint people.. and God knows that I'm desperately trying my best not to. I have a major bad feeling that I will though.. in the nearest future. God forbid..

Whoa!

God, let me fall.... the rhythm that beats is sacrificed to be blessed or hurt, the smile that arouses be flourished or wiped. It's been 2 nights that I've dined outside the house, accompanied by people here. As I sit there.. lost between their conversation, I fly back in time remembering the period where "hanging-out" is the ultimate proof of having fun. Junior high, senior high... There was a form of warmth that comforts me, but at the same time I felt 'rebellious' and seem to have stepped out of my ordinary self. I don't know which of those feeling I felt more. One thing I was sure of... I felt happy. To know just one extra soul makes me feel accepted, and to be sure that that somebody knows me makes me feel comfort. I shall take the risk of being too happy to end in sadness à la fin.

Al Mahdi

waaahhh.... last night I had dinner at this crowded area (Al Mahdi) with my bro, Tika and bg Idhon. It was so wonderful there.. we met with 2 guests (husband-wife) along with their sidekicks [hehe, kidding.. also w/ ppl from the embsy] unintentionally of course. Otherwise.. we wouldn't have followed them Had lovely seafood dish, sat calmly on top of sea rocks.. being careful not to get ourselves wet coz of the waves!! Sad the battery for my digicam ran out [I didn't know that until I was to use it]... and the sun was just turning calm orange right in front of us!! It was lovely! Sunset.. a sealed closing, marking the end of one day that is full of life. Just counting the days before I have to make my journey back to Paris. Tell the truth, I'm really not looking forward to it. A part of me really despises the fact that I have to get on that plane ... However another part is purely convinced that it is the right thing to do. Paris.. so busy yet so empty at the same time.

Olah Raga

whoaaa!! I'm in such a delight In light of the coming 59th Indonesian anniversary, we had a small gathering of the small number of Indo citizens (notice the repetition of small, hehe) playing games and other 'sports'. It was such a lot of fun- not so much the games.. but the gathering! ihiehehe... I personally loved it There are just too many things to describe...... so many different emotions... Yea, besides the really really hot sun here... I still appreciated every part of the gath. I got to see so much out of people,, and this time (thank you!) I'm not depressed. On the contrary.. although I've learnt so much to hate double-facers, this time.. I'm 'in love' with them. Ihiehehe... ironic hein? (notice the ' , hehe). All is sunny from this part of the world!

Doctor's!

Today- oh, nothing much about today. Yesterday was doctor's day for me, went to the opthamologist and the dentist. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sick teenager.. just went for a regular check-up A guy drove me, accompanied by my dad.. to both of those places. The awkward thing was that my dad also had an appointment with someone one hour after my doctor's appointment, which meant that I was to be in the car (waiting for him) with a guy I've never talked to. That may not be so much of a deal if you're not mia.. I'm just glad everything went well.. turned out to be a nice experience. Lovely!

Malaria

Malaria fever,,, whoa~! scary..!!! Everyone is sick here, thankfully none from my family. So, what've I been up to.. not much really, just the normal daily ups and downs.. I should be thankful I know. I don't realise how important it is for everything to be 'ordinary' until I reach the state where the ordinary is no more. I guess people's lifetime is full of it. You reach one problem in one moment.. and then it rests for a while before meeting it again some other time. Well ofcourse you'll need to incorporate the amount of effort and time spent to deal that one challenge. Some people do it better than others. The crucial problem here is when at one moment, instead of being faced with only a single main issue, you are compelled to face 3 or 4 others. Whoa your hands will be full! At this moment only, can we realise that we've stepped out of the ordinary 'life-stream', shall we say. Hehe, there is evidently something the matter with your organisational skill Procrastination- which I think we are all gifted with- positions itself as the culprit for such period. The important thing is not to know why you do it, but to know the how you're going to deal it. Cheerio!

...

Today's blog shall reminisce a bit of yesterday's doing, since it's too early in the morning to start on today's. I found myself at the airport yesterday, saying goodbye to people who have finished serving their post here. At that moment, my reflexes literally led me to the circle of my 'little' friends. Hehe, I felt so warm being welcomed with opened arms. Shouted my name and danggled themselves around my waist.. Cute! ihiehe.. Thoughtfully thinking, it's with them that I feel the most comfort with. They're just too pure and honest! It's like they can see through you, knows what you're fearing but don't care a thing about it since they only know how to cheer you up. Gosh, I'm going to miss them when I leave.. but I expect to hear them when they're all grown up, yea I'd love that.