Quote

"I should have expressed myself more clearly and explained that I still wanted to see (him) [...]. When the time was right, I would take a train, taxi, plane or whatever just to be by (his) side. This would, of course, mean losing the (man) who was there by my side at that moment, steadfastly doing all (he) could to prove how important I was to (him)." --Paulo Coelho, The Zahir.

fault

Gue baru aja nyadar suatu hal yg gue telah sadari beribu kali sebelumnya, namun tetap saja pada akhirnya gue sadar gue 'nyadar' kembali. Susah memang. Di satu pihak gue ngeliat hal yg gue lakuin itu gak mungkin membawa dampak buruk bagi pihak2 lain yg bersangkutan, melupakan bahwa sebenarnya dampak buruk tsb langsung dan hanya menikam gue. Ini bukan suatu upaya untuk mem-boast kemurnian hati gue. Ini bukan tempatnya.

Menginginkan sesuatu itu ternyata (benar) seperti curse. Jika tidak mendapatkannya, maka balon impian dari apa yg kita 'gagal' capai akan jatuh dan terkubur dalam (setidaknya) alam bawah sadar. Semakin waktu berlalu, semakin tak terlihat ia dari pandangan. Namun saat mengalami keadaan yg serupa, balon kan mengalami gesekan dan tekanan tumpul yg memberatkan batin. Balon impian tak kan pernah pecah, karena permainan antara hidup & waktu telah menyepakati puncak tingkat tekanan & gesekan, sehingga dengan kejam dan pengertiannya selalu memainkan masalah diantara itu.

Gue (sedang) melakukan suatu kesalahan. Beberapa orang menganggapnya dead wrong. Beberapa orang lainnya beranggapain ini nggak salah, namun tindak lanjut gue menangani masalah inilah yg salah. What's the fu*kin difference?! I'm still wrong in the end.

They don't understand. Mereka bahkan tidak mengetahui setengah dari drama ini. Garis besar yg begitu tebal telah disimpulkan yg ngebuat gue bener2 nyesel udah ngomong apa2 dan memutuskan untuk tidak sekalipun berupaya membuat mereka mengerti. Capek. Toh gue sendiri sudah tau bahwa gue salah. Bahkan mereka yg tadinya menjadi sumber keyakinan gue bahwa gue 'gak salah' pun akhirnya memvonis sebaliknya. This is no endless discussion: it's wrong.
I'm just tired of explaining why Robin Hood is stealing. Ok, maybe that's too humble of an image, but I really just can't be bothered explaining the middle when they already know the end. I was never much of a storyteller from the start.

Logic of the mind has always found its place together with the other logic that exist as part of my human nature. Saat ini keduanya berada jauh dari keinginan otak gue tuk sadari bahwa, this is a battle in which I (stupidly) thought I had an ally that had the same interest on the battle field. I never dared to look back and realise that he never signed the contract. Foolishly, however, I seek the journey on my own anyway. And believe he would come.

27/06/05

Wow, it's been quite a while since I haven't updated. It's been rather hectic down here... I've been going out of home since the first day I landed in the city. For the meantime, I mostly go out with my mum, accompanying her and making sure that my dad has everything he needs for his flight back to Africa. He's going back first. Duty call.

I saw two of my closest friends on Saturday and we went altogether to my ex-highschool (there was supposedly a musical event there- but there wasn't much ^ ^;). I happened to meet a couple of other friends whilst I was at my old highschool, those that recognise me from the past, and those I recognise from mine. It was a wonderful experience :)

I've been doing a lot of shopping too! huehehe, comparing the currency against the euro is really doing me bad ^ ^; Can't help it cause I know I'll be going back to ol' luminous town Paris. Not that it's bad... It's just, different. And I think as days go by in Jakarta, I love this city more and more. The people I meet, the stuff I learn, the experience I acquire... I feel welcomed. Here, in the city where I was born.

Jakarta -1-

I left home at around 5.30am to pick up my parents at the CDG - Roissy airport. They had just travelled more than 5 hours from the deep west of Africa, to be continued with another 12 (Paris - Kuala Lumpur) and 1.30 (Kuala Lumpur - Jakarta). Luckily I was one step ahead.

The flight was exhausting. However that didn't stop me from being thrilled that I can actually go back and reunite with my family once again. I was picked up by my first brother and an aunt & uncle at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport, Jakarta. I'm glad everything went well :)

As I got into the car and headed back home (yes, home), I figured not a lot has changed in the country. The same gazes of trepidated dark eyes are paired, in search of random answers to the propagating answer to life. I haven't been elsewhere yet. I plan to. Today.

I haven't really contacted any of my friends, and one unique phone call was addressed to me. Well, fortunately I have time. Time to figure out what's best.

-2-1- take off!

Listening to: [Pour toi] - Jenifer
Je sais tu reviendras
Laissez-moi penser ca
Je serais la
Pour toi...

This song has been playing in my head for a while now. Shew! I've always had a certain appreciation for songs with the 'right' kind of lyrics. This time, in fact, this song was *dedicated* to me. I thought it was nice :) At first I listened to it on a friend's mp3 player, but unfortunately at the time I couldn't make out the lyrics. After a google, I finally understood, huahaha.

Yesterday, I went to a friend of my mom's to say my goodbye and give her full authority of our long-term assets ^ ^; I believe it was up to 37 degrees yesterday, and wow did I feel glad when we finally stepped into her house after a sunny 15 minute walk. This year is going to be one hell of a summer. If I was to stay here, that portable air-conditioner would surely be invested inside my place, huahaha. Anyhoo, I enjoyed staying there for hours, talking, joking, and eating everything.

I still have 'some' things to do for today (I know I know, I'm such a last minute type of person). Actually it's meeting a couple of friends from highschool. One came here again (Kel, it's Dita!) for the second time after graduation, and I intend to meet her since I didn't get to see her the last time :( Hmm yes, that and a couple of other things are down for today ;)

My Element

Your element is Water. You have a calm aura around you and are in tune with the world around. You observe it but rarely interfere. Because of your shy and timid nature you will not have so many friends in your life. But then again,large crowds aren't your thing anyway. You are comfortable on your own and are reserved to others who you don't know or know very little of. You know everyone out there does not want to be your friend, and knowing that is good. However, people who don't know you that well thinks that you are cold and distant since you don't want to talk to them.

Although you mean no harm, you can't always be perfectly understood in the world. No one can. Life in general; you are quite serene even if there are some things you don't like. Your love-life is not so full of boys/girls, but if you flirted more with the ones you were interested in I'm sure something would happen. The hobbies you choose are calmer ones, you are no party girl that likes to drink and make-out with three or more guys/girls in one night. Reading a book or swimming is more your thing.

What is your element?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Ok, this is one of the random quizzes available out there in the world wide web. I decided to post this one because some things stated fit in with how I'd describe myself. So well done to whoever-made-this, for outlining and putting into words a so-called projection of myself.

Only 3 days before departure. Funny this is, the more excited I become of leaving this city, the more fear I have of things that might happen on the other side. Sure is scary.

16/06/05

Yet another attempt of designing a page with a personal touch. Haha, who am I kidding... Personal? Due to my very basic html knowledge, this was the best I could dress it up with ^ ^; It's not precisely how I want it, but I guess I'd have to be satisfied with my modest (I mean to say my zero) graphic design capability ^ ^;

In 5 days, I'll be heading to Charles De Gaulle - Roissy Airport.
Destination: Jakarta.

The last time I set foot in Jakarta was around 1.5 years ago. That time, I had the chance to migrate from the bitter coldness of Paris' winter for 12 days. Only 12 days- considering it's a 15 hour flight.

I remember feeling a rush of excitement, cramping my 10 days agenda with unfinished plans originally due over a year ago. I also remember forgeting everything when I got on that plane. I knew it was impossible. Many things unchanged are equally numerous as those that have.
Then that must mean changes aren't to be feared, yes?

Nice vacation. Nice birthday. I was around those I love, and I couldn't ask for more.

Wonder what this vacation is going to turn into. Once again I find myself having high hopes, no more. I wish to make the most out of this year's summer in Jakarta, however I refuse to limit myself inside my own "planning-box." I just want to see people, to better understand them, and carve new memories. I miss remembering those times.

Wheel of Life

For a few days now, I've been lifted high to a place where perfection exists. I'm not talking about heaven. My wheel of life is at its best. To illustrate using the "Wheel of Fortune" tele-quiz image, I'd say right now my pointer points at one of the silver-glittery pieces with "BONUS" written boldly. And after that I know I'll be getting a "free spin," which will let me finish and ace the round :)

My finals start tomorrow. Allah, give me strength.

For you, Gi.

It was only after graduation that we noticed we had things in common. You and I never had 'real' classes together, neither did we 'hang out' whenever we had free periods together in that cramp little school of ours. At first I felt you were someone much different and that our two worlds would hardly collide. And surely it didn't. Not during highschool, anyway. But it got more like tanggled together after ^^;

Then graduation drew nearer and became the hot topic of our year. Our dress, our hairstyle, our make up, shoes... we wanted everything close to perfection. We've waited for this moment so long, after suffering all the things any EaB Victor Hugo students can imagine (you can't even start imagining...) At first we thought we would go altogether to get our hair & make-up done, but you decided to abandon me and Kel at the last moment. Hix.. hehe, kidding gal ;)

We sat at one table during that memorable grad dinner. You and your parents, Kel and hers, and little Mia fitting into your table :p After that night, things went from good to fabulous ;) I enjoyed every time we met, whether it be a simple day's out or crashing into your place and analyse the development of your culinary skill. Huehe..

Well, thanks for everything, Gi. You've taught me so much. And now your 'real' life will start. I wish you all the best. Don't forget to continue making people's day with your smile. Don't forget Paris and everything this city has given you. I'm going to miss you. Take great care, buddy. Until your wedding day ;)

Umak

Innaa lillaahi wa inna illaihi rooji'uun

Umak, which literally means "mother" in my dialect, is my grandma. Yesterday at about 5.30am (GMT+7) she let out her last breath at Pertamina's Hospital ICU (Intensive Care Unit), Jakarta, Indonesia. Age, 89. Her lost, to me, was unexpected.

That was just past midnight Paris time. I was sleeping soundly, not a worry. Yeah, I was even having fun when they burried her. I was... sitting at haagen dazs when I got lost in my friends' conversation until one of them waved in front of my face.

I received news that she was in the hospital on Wednesday. I admit the thought crossed my mind, but I didn't expect it to happen before I can kiss her two cheeks like I used to. And to think that was only due in weeks. In just weeks...

If I am to comment on the way she lived her life, it is one I shall like to live. As far as I know, she hasn't any regrets. She lived a peaceful life throughout. Watching her sons grow up, Allah giving her grandchildren and even 3 angels as great grandchildren. She never worked for wealth. Wealth worked for her.

I've always been proud to see her stand up and follow every tarawih prayers with her weak knees during Ramadhan. I used to stand beside her, because mom would worry that anyone else can accidentally squash her foot on the last raka'at. Years ago, she would always have hot chocolate ready for me after I splash in her pool. She would ask her driver to pick me up from school, when it was just minutes away walking.

Every Saturday night, she would make sure that each grandchild's favourite food was ready on the table. Each dessert. Each of our photo is displayed in her home. She had a warm heart. She really did.

I used to write her letters when I was in Canberra. And she would always write back. Those long and curved handwriting of hers. She would send me cards on my birthday. As I got older and her getting weaker, whenever my birthday was approaching, she would ask my mom to buy for me a present from her part...
Last I met her, she still loved fresh bread from bakeries, but she would no longer join in to our conversations. Nevertheless she always smiled. Looking at each of us with her soft brown eyes.

I'm her last grandchild. I wasn't her favourite, but I never saw it any other way. Je t'aime, Umak. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you. I love you.