Our past promises

About 7 years ago I promised that I would become different, breathing in as much out of a foreign country and come home as a well-connected Indonesian with new perspectives and style. Five years ago I promised to graduate from an international business school with double-degree by 21. Two years ago I promised to fully embrace my second freshman year despite mainstream opinion that I, again, promised to shut out of my system.

There are always reasons behind our promises- perhaps on the logical level or even more so on the emotional. I'd like to think that I'm logical when it comes down to long-term life-shifting decision-making. Though now that I see it I can't make out which reason was more prominent when I decided to abandon my 6-months due double bachelors degree: the logical or the emotional stream of thought.

You may decide after reading my 2 paragraphs above that I have regrets residued thick under my skin- but you would be so wrong. I joke about it all the time, with friends and family, and usually I do it with a pout of an expression that will lead them to believe that I haven't moved past it. I kind of think it's right for them to feel that way, because it gives them something to be sensitive about without being overly full of their high-paid salary.

The truth is, I am now ever more excited of how my future is on the right track, even if that is solely based on my gut's feelings. I'm no different from how I was 7 years ago, I still incline closer to my circle and watch people from a distance. I am far from being as well-connected as I promised myself I could be... because the truth is, I'm not socially likeable that way. What is liberating is how fine I am with that. I was talking past mid-day nonsense with my brother and found myself laughing to see how much I have grown as a person but still keep so many pieces of me bundled for no one to touch. You have to admit, it's a very proud achievement.

So as I look ahead into my bright future, I see my past promises as coutured dresses that remind me of how I wanted to change and be different- but at the end of the present day, when I change into my sweatpants and tee, I know that I'm still comfortably loving who I am. All is good.