Needle

Dear yours truly,

I realize finding you would be like finding that needle amongst the tons and tons of not-meant-to-be haystacks but I maintain the belief that a day would come when I’d assemble enough courage to dig my hand deep and pull you out, doubtless. You know how sometimes a funny little twitch of the gut can decide for a complicated thought draining problem? Well I’d want to have my gut clutch and flutter for you. But if I somehow seem unresponsive and snooty, please don’t assume too quick because I’m sure I picked it up and at the moment trying to sort it out.

I’d imagine you to be a passionate soul with just enough room for me to play a role in your life. You’d have your little quirks and visions that I’d find heartening before they become the little reasons to pick fights when I feel insecure; whether it’d be your friendly nature with others or your dream of studying and working in another city without asking me to stay by you. And I mean emotionally. I hope you realize that I don’t usually pass as the insecure type because I’d rather keep my doubts inside and believe you. I think it’s effortless and healthy, exactly how I’d want our relationship to be.

Our dreams would be different, but we would work together towards them. Knowing quite well however that even if our dreams change along the way, we would be growing together and sequentially construct another dream, together. You are my friend, my missing part of the puzzle, my special gift bag with all the surprises I’d want to discover through the span of my life. Yes, you’re my needle.

Love,
Mia

So this is a new year.

With christmas, the 29th, Eid and new year's eve taking place firmly one after the other, I can ever so blandly say that I've lost taste. That sounds dark, I know, but I do feel as though my emotional center has melted down. I think I've spent a lot of time smashing down my feelings that I'm no longer capable of articulating what's inside. Everything seems to be muted; great joy and sadness, love and sorrow, even acute disappointments. I no longer feel entitled to them that they simply get lost inside me; finding their way to the safest, furthest place away from my heart.

Deep down I am worrying. I don't want to talk about it because I'm afraid that it'll open floodgates that will never close again. I'm afraid that if I had to come down right to it, I'd have to realise that I am not okay. Then I'd have to deal and dress it up in front of people pretending I am; which would gloriously smash myself even further down.

I realise much of 2006 has been self-deconstructing lies. I keep secrets from myself, letting much of anger tear me apart for moments of girlish conviction. I find it hard to trust, as though every word is a trap, every thought a treason. I really thought I was healing, but that mighty word has obviously been tamped down into oblivion now that I see clearly. The whole year, and I haven't even so much as let myself get healed.

This 2007, I want to know why, and if I ever really will.