31/05/05

[Listening to]: She's Out of My Life - Josh Groban
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life...

There's no particular reason why I chose this song to soothe my ears this late at night. I guess I just want to relive my conscious between what's right and wrong. Didn't know I was. Turns out I am ;) If you didn't understand that, then maybe you shouldn't try. No, I meant it.

I saw my English teacher from highschool in the metro today. Actually, she got off at Victor Hugo, ready to get back teaching, I presume. She didn't see me. Well, I think she didn't. Although... I was speaking to a friend in English instead of French which could well stand out inside a rather empty train. Well whatever.

Got off at Porte Dauphine and saw my accounting instructor got off the same train. At first I felt like I wanted to sprint and sit in class asap, but for some reason (beside the obvious -he-saw-me-I-saw-him- reason) I wanted to walk alongside him to ISG. This might not be great news for some of you, but considering that it's me we're talking about here, let me tell you, it is.

He was very friendly, asked bout my plan for the summer. I guess I felt rather comfortable talking the whole 10 mins walk because he's such a father figure. Whatever it was, it was nice :) After class, got into a deep convo with a class mate from school, found out that college students are more childish than highschool. Or is it just me. Once again, whateva hein.

Got into the topic of hypocricy. Guess some people will stay as idealists all their lives. What does it mean anyway? Surely I even thought the talk was a form of hypocricy. It's just been said too much that its meaning can be flexibly twisted to one's use. Besides, attending a business school and having such a utopian view, is hypocricy at its core.

27/05/05

The temperature was really hot yesterday. Shew. I could've been in a barbeque!
The sky was bright & blue, but the air felt uncomfortably dry and still. The only cool place I could find was the metro station. The hopeless vending machine was understandingly empty when I put the 2 euro coin down its throat. Hmm... I remember wishing I had something cold down my throat. I wasn't as desperate as to put coins, though ;) That'll come later, I presume.

So yes, it was hot. Heard rumours that it will be one of Paris' hottest summer this year. Let's just hope it doesn't get as bad as 2003's. If yes, we're toast. Well, not we, more like me.

Getting incredibly hard to concentrate in class. This time it's not the heat, it's just me. My mind's already on vacation and I must pull it back at all costs.

Spring Results

My results from last semester are out, with one pending result from principles of mgt. Why? Because I got an E and I didn't accept it so I told them to change it to an A. Hahaha... well, it's partly true, for the moment I barely pass that subject, but that's because my project wasn't corrected by the instructor eventhough I finished it way before deadline (funny, isn't it?). In short, he lost my paper. Well- not only mine, thank God.

I received a notification email that my grade transcript is in my mailbox on Saturday but I was too fed up and lazy to go check it out (...and I wasn't sure how they were going to look like). I checked it finally on Monday, just before going out to the metro station. I was nervous. Especially considering the final papers of certain subjects that I felt I kind of pulled the answers out of my brain just like that. But it turned out good :) My eyes were directed instantly to the ugly looking E and crossed the page to see that I earned it for principles of mgt. Now here's the challenge to describe how I felt.

The thing was, one part of me just plainly couldn't believe it. Another was smiling.
Ironic, hein?
Well, why I was smiling is the more interesting one to explain. I remember thinking, "wow.. I barely got the credit..." and continued with, "but I did... that's what's important." Then a few moments later I thought about my parents and how they would react to it. The funny thing was... I was okay with it. It's like I wanted the grade to prove people's expectations of me are wrong. Guess I was desperate.

So yeah... good results for the first semester. Thanks to all the people that've supported me through :-) I appreciated it alot.

PS: Happy Birthday, Solaf!!! *MmuazZ*

*Curhat*

Hwaaa........ *hiperbole effect*

Is this homesick? Hmm... yes and no.

The thing is, something not so delicious happened between a frie- I mean someone, and I. It's total crap.
(Sorry folks, this posting will exceptionally be in Indonesian. Err.. correction, Indo slangs ^^; Just in case).

Ya "just in case" dia nemuin blog gue (yg mana gampang abis, tinggal nulis nama gue doang di google atau ngga yahoo).

-Gimana kalo dia nemuin situs translasi bhs Indo ke Inggris, Mi?
Mending dia bakal ngerti gaya curhat gue yg asal jidat gini.
-Kalo dia punya temen Indo lain?
Ya tant pis (too bad). Sebodo amat... toch dia udah sampe usaha segitunya
biar ngerti... ya biarin aja. Maybe she should know.
Sinting!

Sebenernya gue mau nyalurin rasa bete gue hari ini. Udah susah2 gue drag my lazy a*s ke metro di sore hari yg mendung dan pikiran di awang2, eEh gue malah dihadapin ama another sort of sh*t. Intinya, kita berantem. Ya ngga sih, lebih ke saling diem2an. Anak kecil banget ngga sih?!! Tambah ngebetein.
Alesannya? Karena gue ngga suka nelpon!
Sebenernya ni cerita udah berakar dari beberapa minggu yg lalu pas abis kita ke pub trus dia merasa "diasingkan" sama temen2 lainnya, terutama sama gue. Padahal sih gue ngerasa gue biasa2 aja.

Trus pas pulang itu deh, ampe duduk di stasiun Felix Faure ampe sejam lebih (note udah jam 1 pagi itu ya..). Kita ngomong deh tuh, dia bilang dia deket ama gue karena dia merasa gue enak diajak ngobrol dan dia punya perasaan yg enak aja kalo ngomong ama gue. Yah pokoknya saling muji tapi dengan ujung yg berbisa abis!

dia: "Loe kalo mau ketemu temen loe ngapain, Mi?"
gue: "Ya gue telfonlah."
dia: "Loe ngga pernah nelpon gue berarti loe ngga pernah mau nemuin
gue dong?"

Urgh... kalo gue yg sekarang pasti bilang gini, "you damn right I don't! Kutil!" Tapi pada pagi buta itu gue jelasin aja kalo gue orangnya emang ngga demen nelpon2 orang dengan tujuan tidak jelas. Beranjak dari situlah rasa il-feel gue berkembang ke dia.

Trus tadi (setelah sekitar 2 minggu plus long wiken gue ngga kontak), GUE DICUEKIN!
Kampung! x(

Tapi gpp juga, buktinya tadi gue di kelas jadi super attentive. Gue jawab sebanyak2 pertanyaan dan quiz dengan efikas sampe2 gue sendiri heran. Setelah quiz2 selesai gue kerjain, gue taruh kepala gue di meja. Ditanya apa udah selesai, gue jawab, "ofcourse Sir," dengan attitude -a-piece-of-lemper!-
Sombong ya? :)

Gue pengen cepet2 summer course selesai... gue pengen cepet2 pulang. Ya, mungkin gue kekanak-kanakan juga karena gue akan -utk kesekian kalinya- lari dari masalah gue. Gue ngga merasa sakit kok, this is nothing.

Gue inget dia pernah nanya, "apa di masa lalu loe pernah ada kejadian yg ngebuat loe jadi kayak gini, Mi?" (maksudnya tertutup, seneng di rumah, dll). Saat itu gue inget menjawab seabstrak mungkin. Tapi sekarang jawabannya semakin jelas... ya, orang seperti loe inilah yg membuat gue merasa harus jadi gini. Gue berterima kasih sama orang di masa lalu gue for having prepared me to the likes of you. Not you. You're just another one of the many I will meet.

Financial Accounting

Financial Accounting?

What the hell IS this?

Hang on- I've done this before! When was that... ah yes, 10th grade. With a teacher that writes his own little thing on the bloody board!!!

Obviously I sound disturbed. And I am.

There were around 10 of us in the class, with an instructor that kept throwing names and looking my direction- guessing. After repeated errors ("Charlotte? Ruth? Mark??" I mean "Mark" ? He has got to be joking...), finally found a name tough to pronounce (but tried anyways) and marked my attendance.

My first impression of him? French (actually I'm not sure if he is), speaks wonderful British English (which I like alot), and a paternal type of leader (his age and deep-toned yet clear voice accentuates credibility).

Then the class officially started.

The first few minutes were okay, some theories upon world accounting- concentrating the difference between a European (mainly French, ofcourse) and the American financial language.
Then it came to the tables, the terms that's forever changing, and the individual-asked questions... suddenly I was in total awe.
Why?
Because I was beating my a*s following him, whereas other students seem to read the transactions and figure what to write in milliseconds. Now by this time I was really wondering what's happening to me. Was it my breakfast? The total-slacking period of two weeks? Brain damage?!?

Considering the options, I'm relieved to say that I was simply out of it.

Only after class did I find out that 6 of the people in the class are actually repeating the particular course (failed it in semester 1). It cheered me up a bit I guess, not much.

After intl marketing and today's striking experience in class... I know that I won't pass my weeks easily. Materials meant for 3.5 months are due to finish in just 6 weeks (1.5 months). It's either madness or complete time-efficiency.

I gotta dash.

Why won't I grow up?

A complete loser.

You know how it feels, when you've tried to hold something back and knowing that it's the best thing to be doing, but then you suddenly break. That very instant, you know that you've failed. Failed to convince the people you love that everything is okay, and worse- failed to prove that you're "adult" enough to deal with your own problems.

Well for me, it's more because I let those loved ones worry. After days knowing that something is wrong, and suddenly knowing it in the end. I feel pathetic.

Maybe it's because of my "youngest" nature that I tend to see myself so capricious at times. Always forcing my ego to come forward- knowing it's wrong, but assured that my two brothers will act as "bumper" thus when things go wrong, I'd still be safe. And when things occasionally go right, I'm the one crossing my arms smiling victoriously.

I don't know if understanding this with tears means any sign of "maturity." Or is it when I finally hear what I wanted to hear, but realise that I'm back to the starting point with no clearer clue as how to decide, maturity? The clock is ticking.

I blame myself. I blame myself for being exceptionally weak.
Why won't I grow up?

Home with a Bang!

Hello everyone :-)

Lately, I've been daydreaming too much. Kinda stressing. Kinda sad. Hahaha. Well anyways.
What I daydream about isn't appropriate to share on a public blog that-God knows- who read. I mean, seriously... this is why I've provided the "Read Me" link. Yes, go on now... check it out ;-)

Been getting last updates from friends. It's always nice to hear from them :-)

Hmm what can I say, summer session starts on Monday. I keep reminding myself that all I have to endure is another 6 weeks before I pack my bags. Can hardly wait! But yes... of course I have that tiny responsibility of acing my two subjects before I can go home with a bang. With a bang... yes, that I will ;-)

Ambitious. Hey- I'm worthy of a capricorn, right? ^ ^;

O'Sullivans

Alot has happened since I last updated. Starting from the hunt for mini-ipod to the tasting of the divine "summer cone" at haagen dazs. Sounds like a great vacation so far, hein? ;-)

Friday night, there was a small gathering at O'Sullivans (to the left of Moulin Rouge). My first impression of the place was impressive- neat, clean, classy. We met at around 9 pm starting with 5 of us sitting at a corner lounge. When it came to ordering drinks, "Quick Fu*k", "Orgasm", "Mother's Milk" didn't seem to attract my attention- cappucino did :-) The fact is really because I don't drink alcohol. Not that I love cappucino that much.

The later it got, the room was practically clogged with cigarette smokes. Urgh.
Anyway, I had a great time, talking with people I knew little about at college. So it was a nice experience overall. Got home at 1.30am (early for some, but for me it's bloody late!).
I still prefer little chats at haagen dazs though, huahuahua.

Well, I got another week of slaking before things get serious academically again.
Better enjoy it :-)