Time at an End

Dear you,

It's been just a little over a year, hein? That time, when I labelled you a high-ego-narcissistic male, female heart-breaker? ;p

Before I could stop it, you brought me to a once-upon-a-time land located at the heart of the sentimental map. Oxygen was caffeine there, hehe. I could stay awake all night chatting with you (and I thought you hate coffee?) ;p

There, my heart always skips its every second beat, and even its first seemed to tune on slow motion everytime I see you sign-in on messenger. That virtual realm, where what I cared about was to see you there, greeting me, and I knew that I would end my day in high spirit. Smiling.

Summer, I finally met you. Always that same guy making me feel comfortable talking to, complete with my sarcastic gift for words. There, in the midst of my growing admiration for you (you're one smart guy, you), my utopia bubble was burst by a rose' thorn-- leaving it shattered to many pieces (I hoped it would be ours).

It stayed toughly embeded and grew, as did my feelings for you. Ha! It rhymes ;p

Did it hurt? Well yes, of course it did, but you knew how it went. Indecisive as we were, we made a decision which I haven't regret.

Even if it was only for a short time, the past months have been like a chapter off of someone's life. Short and exciting. Because of you. Or more, thanks to you, since it was a *daymn* good feeling! ;p

Oh by the way, the thorn has become more a part of me now. That's good news! The scar will serve to remind me of you! ^ ^

Now, we're back on our separate paths again; walking our separate lives, again.
Well, actually I was still denying that fact until you told me you're already out on pseudo-dates! You weasel! Hahaha..

That no longer matters now. I understand that "we" are back to "you" and "I", and by that both our lives shall continue. Here, you're just doing it first. Oh, and yes, don't worry, I won't ask you if you miss me anymore, even as a joke after my occasional brb's :)

Hence, maybe our paths will cross again someday in the future, as you've said, but I think we both know how clumsy I am by now-- I'd probably be lost and take the long way of life, when you would most likely be busy crossing lines with others :)

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006.

You know where to find me whenever the mood for coherent non-sensical chat calls ;)


Best regards,
Mia.

*holidays*

I'm on holidays now. After days of late night sleeps doing my 3 *last* assignments, I was finally done at 10.00 am Friday. Deadline was at 12.00 pm. I took an overexcited shower and dashed my way to school. Only to know that there is an extension until Tuesday...

So, that's that. My finals start on the 4th of January. After that, a new semester begins...

Wham - Last Christmas

Wham - Last Christmas

Last christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
WellIt's been a year, it doesn't surprise me (Happy Christmas)
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kiss me now
I know you'd fool me again

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My god I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again...

09/12/05

An interesting quote from the best-seller "He's just not that into you" :

The word 'busy' is a load of crap and is often used by assholes.

Believe it all you want.

broke

I'm broke. Was, actually.

I walked around Paris with no more than a few 20 centiemes in my porte-monnaie. I suppose I could still buy a plain baguette for 38 centiemes, but other than that-- it isn't much. Of course, my parents would be horrored at the thought that their daughter wouldn't have the -just-in-case- money- of more than 20 euros in the pocket. But hey, walking without money proved to be quite fun :)

I'm a hard person to tempt. I could see, for example, a state-of-the-art gadget and find at least 5 different reasons why I wouldn't need it. Those are quite fundamental reasons, too. Besides, I am afterall a student, and living in Paris is already a priviledge on it's own. It's expensive living here, I'll tell you that.

The French TVA (value added tax) is 9.6%, which means that everytime you spend your euro in France, a little less than 10% of the price goes to the government. Whereas for those who earn salaries, social benefits (i.e. unemployment and social security) and income tax account for 33% of your salary. It's huge.

Anyway, back to me being broke. Well in fact, I never was broke. Deep inside me I was always assured that I have something to take out from the bank by just punching a 4 digit code from any ATM. So I guess it's true what one of my cousins told me as a synical comment on another cousin of mine who is a total idealist, "[dia] gak pernah tau rasanya gak bisa makan soalnya" (he never knew how it feels to not be able to eat).

She's right. He doesn't. Neither do I.

un ordinateur / une ordinateur ?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or feminin. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, "would have a gender association although in English these words are neutral". Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "which gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups (male & female) and asked them to decide whether a computer should be masculine or feminin. Both groups were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be reffered to the feminin gender because:

• No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in the long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending 1/2 your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women, however, concluded that computers should be reffered to the masculin gender because:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you save your problems, but 1/2 the time they are the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little bit longer-- you could've gotten a better model.

*wink* *wink*
courtesy of bang Novi ^ ^;

---

A little side note: it's infact un ordinateur, i.e. masculin indeed ;p

Btw, it's my brother's birthday today. Twenty-one. Old he is
*runs before those who were/are hit*

!- Assimilation -!

We're doing this exciting assimilation in Geopolitics. Several groups of 3 people were formed to 'create' the extended version of a similar existing profile of a country. You name it: relative sovereign area; industries; languages; religion-- up to availability of nuclear weapons. And of course, a conflicting situation is added to which we will have to make strategic diplomatic or military actions based on.

Here's the profile given on my group's country:

• Industrialised
• Influencial regional power
• Nuclear weapons

The situation is as follows: There is an unexplored area on the border with a neighbouring country, with the same country profile. How must we deal the issue diplomatically? Or is it still possible?

Looking forward to doing some diplomatic "talks" on Thursday ;)

And yes, that area is in OUR borders (haha), and we must save it at ALL costs ;)

Comprends-tu?

Dis donc, ça fait un moment que je n'ai pas mis-à-jour ce cher blog.

Bien, c'est un miracle... je suis encore en vie! Et j'en remercie le bon Dieu chaque jour :) La semaine passée n'a pas été mon mieux, puisque je devais m'occuper certains détails et en penser... penser...et encore penser. Cependant, je ne suis jamais arrivée à la conclusion.

Je ne vais pas essayer de m'excuser sous le prétexte d'être occupé. Franchement, j'avais toujours ressenti une sorte d'ennui à chaque fois qu'on me jette ce genre d'excuses. Je crois à comprendre mieux quand on me dit d'avoir des priorités et que la liste est déjà épuisée. Bien sûr que c'est vexant, mais au moins ça parraîtra moins cliché.
Alors... où étais-je? Ah oui, d'être occupé. Donc simplement, je n'en suis pas ;)

La verité... c'est que

j'essaierai toujours de me faire du temps, quand on me le donne pas.

C'est dommage qu'une très chère personne dans ma vie ne l'a pas compris..

Insecure: not highly stable or well-adjusted

This past week I did two of my mid-semester exams. Commenting on how they went would nearly be as abstract as defining what love is. You think you know, but in truth you either don't really -or worse- really don't.

An interesting topic I managed to draw a line from most of my online conversations this week would be how women, in general, tend to feel the most insecurity in relationships.

Is this true?

Without any intent of raising the flag of feminism (some of you might know how "feminin" I really am), I do not fully agree.

As humans, knowing where you fit in and acting these roles as should be remain basic, therefore fundamental, to our very reason of being, for example, in a relationship. As most of my friends recount; insecurity is tiring, stressing, and unhealthy.

Surprisingly, not few of these people decided to leave their significant-someone, and NOT otherwise.
Surprising because, my first logic speaking; wouldn't the partner be the one fed-up with all the possessive questions like "who with", "who else", and "who're they"? Who, who, who. Never why, never how. All they're interested is who.
But to my surprise (yes, I keep repeating "surprise"), apparently however fed-up the other might be, the stress accumulates more on the one insecure, than that of their partner. Now, excuse me but I find that truly fascinating ;p

Ofcourse, this might just be a unique case where the friends I spoke to really had high levels of insecurity or really trust their partner to the extent that it's severely insecuring, iehieihi. Although... most of them do happen to be females ^ ^;

So, female = insecure?

Well, I happened to be a victim of someone's insecurity once. Although at the time he didn't have the right to be, but nevertheless I felt dictated, surveyed, and most horrifyingly judged. Indeed it was tiring... and kind of made me realise his limited trust in me. On the other hand, I also had a taste of the insecurity seat a while back *waves to my sweety*. Actually, that wasn't insecurity! Jealousy? No way! It was.. hmm.. a mere question, iehiehi.

Well, got to have a little of everything, right? ;)

Identitas?

Suatu perbincangan cukup menarik mengambil tempat saat saya dan teman pulang dari bioskop ke concorde. Hubungan saya dan dia sebatas "temannya-teman" dengan dunia 135 derajat berbeda (45 yang sisa mununjuk persamaan kampus dan latar belakang. Walau dia memiliki paspor Belgia, dia masih setengah Thailand-Kamboja).

dia: "lo beruntung ya"
mia: "beruntung kenapa?"
dia: "sudah banyak melihat dunia"
mia: "... ya, dan kalau ada satu hal yang gue bisa syukuri dari semua perpindahan itu... pasti gimana mereka udah ngerubah penglihatan gue"
dia: "dan saat balik, pengalaman itu akan menjadikan lo orang yang lebih menarik"
mia: "hmm"
dia: "soalnya identitas lo jelas"
mia: "identitas?"
dia: "yup"
mia: "..."
dia: "gini loh mi, menurut gue nilai-nilai Asia lo kuat banget untuk orang yang sering ninggalin tanah air"
mia: "oyah?"
dia: "yup."
mia: "mungkin karena saat-saat umur 'pembentukan' gue berada di negara gue kali"
dia: "mungkin"

---

dia: "... nyokap gue selalu protes ngeliat nilai-nilai Asia gue semakin hilang. kan dia yang nikah sama orang Eropa"
mia: "..."
dia: "haha.. begitulah"
mia: "tapi, waktu pertama kenalan dulu, lo bilang lo orang Thailan. apa itu ngga berarti lo merasa 'lebih' Thailan?"
dia: "iya, tapi gue masih bingung milih values yang mana"
mia: "oh gitu"
dia: "sekarang sudah terlambat"
mia: "..."

---

Perjalanan menuju metro cukup jauh, namun sepanjang jalan, perbincangan kami tanpa saya sadari telah berubah menjadi curahan. Dalam hati, saya mendecak kagum atas kejujuran dan kepolosan hatinya. Dibalik isapan rokok, tato dan canda tawanya saat berada dibelakang meja kelas, ternyata masih tersimpan jiwa seorang gadis 19 tahun yang jenaka.

Hatinya baik. Bagi saya, hanya itu yang penting.

Promise

Today started off disappointingly when I figured that making a long-distance call demands for a great amount of luck & effort on our side. I stubbornly woke up later than I had promised, and I hopelessly pressed the destinated phone number to see whether luck was on my side. And it turned out she wasn't :'(

Promise: A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.
(dictionary.com)

I've never been taught to see promises as something light. That's probably why I try to avoid it everytime I can. I would try to casually go around my point and use weak, pointless, and/or empty words, to blur my declaration (i.e. "maybe..", "I guess I will..", etc.). And when I do finally make one, with all my heart I wish to fulfill it.

Obviously, like today, I don't always make it. This image of not 'filling' the empty glass comes to mind-- the glass is drying out. So is the promise.

Sometimes certain conditions won't let you keep control of situations. I guess one can argue that it is the very reason why you shouldn't make promises. I, on the other hand, try to source out and find a different definition for promise. A strong will of the heart, purposely declared to beckon others' assurance, conditioned by external unknown factors.
To recuperate my point in bold: a conditioned will. Con-di-tioned. Therefore when a promise is broken, it doesn't necessarily equal to lie.

I understand that now, more than just to justify my failure of the promise I made to call, ofcourse ;D

In the afternoon, I went to meet two friends and didn't know what exactly to expect when one of them came with a soccer ball. Haha, yes for those who know me it's completely a "hein? mia and soccer? It's so not together." And you're right buddies, because my upper stomach certainly didn't appreciate the ball when it tried to kick through -_-; Went to watch Serenity after... didn't enjoy it very much though...

Ca y est

Ca y est. Il parrait qu'une belle histoire dans ma vie doit se terminer la. Et avec l'arrive d'Eid il Fitr, une autre s'ouvrira.

Comme d'habitude, je gagne en moi la foi d'aborder un sujet complex, et d'essayer a le simplifier-- peut-etre trop.

La Foi. Je m'en fiche des mots qu'on peut ajouter apres ce "grand" et "abstract" nom dans toutes les langues du monde. Je m'en fous des consequences habituelles qui nous mordent la nuit apres la perd d'une foi. Peut-etre, je m'en completement fiche de ce que la foi, elle-meme, veut dire.

Tout ce qui m'interesse, c'est ce que la foi nous exige dans la vie. Combien de temps faut-il qu'on endure pour en prouver?
Parfois je me demande pourquoi les questions les plus simples sont celles qui ont les plus complexes reponses.
Je me demande pourquoi je me pose trop de question, et pas de reponse dans cette poste aujourd'hui.

Minal Aidin wal Faidzin - Mohon Maaf Lahir & Batin.
Nous implorons Allah SWT, pour qu'Il accepte nos jeunes du Ramadhan cette annee.

Et enfin, je vous souhaite une bonne fete d'Eid il Fitr, que la joie et le bonheur soient toujours avec vous.

When the time comes; I won't be ready

College work is piling. I'm starting to see deadline dates as a just cause to enjoy my moment now, and panic later. Even the weather outside is in transition like a lost teenager finding where to belong. A lost me.

I spoke with a friend over MSN and came around talking about how he missed his early teen years. He spoke of how nowadays he has to think 'twice' before acting and calculate the consequences in the future. I guess he was right. I see a crossroad coming my way, and the route I choose then, I know will set me into different adventure (i.e. obstacles) in life. Maybe they will have a common destination. Maybe not.

I'm not a good loser, but I know I'm not a worse winner. Next year, I will need to have overcome my fear of entering the world's real game and advance. Thoughts haunt me without structure during the day, as I listen to well-planned ideas and plans for the future, coming from determined souls. A sudden impulse rushed for me to do the same, but an invisible wall stretched as far as my will-- reflecting, and making it sit back down again. To them, I seem to have not a worry in the world. To them, I seem like someone who'd pull the last card out, and ace the round. Inside, I wish to know what that card is.

Have I been too drenched in soft reality, limiting my ambition?

Ramadhan will end in less than a week.
Not surprisingly, it has been my worst since many years.

Blogs (1)

I'm still struggling to find a suitable layout that I can proudly present to this dear blog of mine. I've looked around a couple of blogs to find some inspirations, but oddly enough I haven't been attracted to any particular template design. Simplicity will always be my aim-- as it also is in real life. Afterall, a blog is supposed to reflect its author and express him/her in the best way possible, in the way he/she thinks is best. Currently I am working on the design, and I see myself using a very plain content-based layout to help my writing skills develop over time.

Writing has never been more enjoyable now. I've learnt to develop my own style of writing specifically over the last few months, when I understood that pouring your ideas onto a page involves a certain level of detachment, in order for the readers to extract and fully assimilate the message written. As reserved a person I am, I've realised that through the art of writing, I can master the art of rhetoric. Hence was born my preference of blogging as the medium to share my thoughts, emotions, and activities over-- and published. This can be considered as another attempt of being "recognised" as opposed to writing privately in my personal diary. And for the record, I don't have a diary. I've passed the age range where I tried keeping one and suddenly refused to continue just because my writing doesn't look neat enough, and because I got bored of the smiling glittering princesses on its cover. As with blogging, fonts and templates are easily altered to make variations with only my imagination as limit.

I've really just realised and confessed this to myself today, but I really do enjoy publishing the views I have on random, mundane, and everyday things. Hey-- I've been blogging for almost 3 years now! Although at times, I admit feeling a little uneasy of sending accross too many tips on the way I view things which can more or less reveal who I am, but I also understand that the thrill of knowing that strangers are reading (despite their sentiments on the subject treated) and listening to what I have to say, underlies within. The two goes together hand-in-hand, just like everything else on earth is made to balance...

Je ne vous oublie pas (1)

Listening to: [Je ne vous oublie pas] - Celine Dion
Dans mes absences, parfois, sans doute
J'aurais pu m'éloigner
Comme si j'avais perdu ma route
Comme si j'avais changé
Alors j'ai quelques mots tendresse
Juste pour le dire

Je ne vous oublie pas, non, jamais
Vous êtes au creux de moi
Dans ma vie, dans tout ce que je fais
Mes premiers amours
Mes premiers rêves sont venus avec vous
C'est notre histoire à nous

Je ne vous oublie pas...

I came around a friend's skyblog and read the lyrics of this song, in which, I find, has many "similarities" to my life since the time I began remembering. If I'm not mistaken, Celine decided to sing this song particularly in French to remind the "vous" here being the Francophone public, specifically in Canada, to show that she hasn't forgotten them despite her great success as an international singer. I haven't succeeded, neither am I sure that I'm heading the right way, but the feeling of leaving people back home that you know, made you who you are today, always gives you that extra push to grasp what you came here for, and to hold on just long enough so that the hold itself, becomes a strength.

18/11/05

I got my first assignment grade which lit up the whole of my day yesterday. Moreover when the professor kept criticising the class' poor work for more than half an hour... ffiuh, the hard work proved to pay-off (even though it was made a day before- nevertheless I adopted the sleep-wake-sleep-wake method to refresh myself and kept massacring the content and being a pain to myself ). All that for only 5% of final grade ^ ^;

The most -I'd say- interesting subject this semester would be Geopolitics. Geography and Politics, two things of which I couldn't know less about ;p My point being, I was pretty intrigued by the global picture I amazingly saw during class. Mainly because there is no "real" peace and humankind would never let peace rule earth, under any circumstances. Even during the very first class, I was forced to see my, and many petits to grands enfants everywhere around the world, the ideal world shatter before me...

Anyhow, I was over-excited yesterday when I got a reply sms from my best bud in SA. It was at the end of break and the professor kept eyeing my broad smile suspiciously as he came back in- hehe.
Whooa it's gonna be a year soon, hein... how time flies.

Lousy "esprit"

I had a scraped spirit, forcing its way out into a foreign circle. I felt the wall separating. I felt it, has it ever been more real now that it's tangible? I didn't know where I was going, my mind wasn't focused on anything.
I hated the feeling, mainly because I didn't know why the feeling appears more and more.
I hated to talk about it, because I know people would try to identify the source of my disappointment, and surely make their judgments based on stupid non-verbal "hints."
I hated the every "Miaa whats uup?" thrown at me, because my lips wouldn't be synchronised with my two eyes as I make the lie.

I sat myself in the middle of micro class, ignoring the "friends" I casually chat and "kissed" before class, only to stupidly obey the French "social rules." When I got to the classroom it was rather crowded, and all I wanted was to sit down and have a calm lesson. That was before the; "eh oh, Miaa pourquoi tu te mets tout devant? Tu veux pas t'asseoir a cote de moi?" and the real answer would be NO. Then as I've predicted the seat beside me also got taken apparently because the professor's French accented English was so horrible that suddenly nobody knew how to write in English (i.e. copy notes). And then I heard another buzzing sound from behind (same person) and the person beside me simply answered; "ouais, j'ai une 'partner' en micro."

I turned myself and simply said, "il y a plus de places, je ferais mieux de me mettre la."
The truth is that I didn't want to betray myself and prove that the day hasn't been okay. Hell the week hasn't been okay. I'm losing ground. And its because of many things, that they simply cancel each other out.

At the end of the day, I'm back to square one.

Reaction to Urban Violence

The surge of violence in neighborhoods has always existed, yet people still give minimum attention to the issue. At the rare occasions of hearing or reading such issues, we tend to ignore, if not forget, by storing them at the very back of our minds, hoping we would never find ourselves near any such situation. Only when we are concerned, will we be forced to face and thus have some kind of reaction towards the issue. Individualism, a common phenomenon in metropolitan cities.

It was still in the early evening when I headed down to one of Paris' subway station in the busy 16th arrondissement. As I walked, I was distracted by a wailing sound from an old, homeless man--beaten up, on the floor with blood trickling down his right temple. Beside him, faced-up, was a cardboard cut-out, which had supposedly serve to draw pity from the passing people, with the starting words of "j'ai faim."

Despite his frail state, he continued to curse and mumble words of fury to three distancing well-built males, who, when not laughing, would toss about coins in deliberately mocking manners. And people passed on by.
The old man's coin tin rolled down meters away from him. Empty.

The heart-aching thing about the scene was the few passing pair of legs who hurried from one building to the next, as if hurrying to the finishing line of one competition, paying no more than looks of disgusts on their faces. If life is regarded as a competition, then would death be the finishing line? Would it only be at the near end of our lives that we stop competing against each other and prove ourselves superior?

The problem about this issue, like any alike, is that when people hear about it once or twice, they'll remember to be more prudent--for their sake. When people hear about it often, they would thus become numb. In essence, we should all become more aware of things happening around us, and use that advantage for as many people possible. One simple urgent call could save the life of the victim(s). Remember to think that the old man would do it for you if the situation had been given the chance to reverse itself. If not, at least you'd know that he wouldn't have the energy to hurry from one building to the next.


*No, this isn't real. Its for the sake of literary imagery ;)

Emails: Check them before you leave!

Yesterday, a strike took place (yes, bienvenue en France). And as far as it concerned me, this interfered with my way to and back from school. They wanted a raise (who doesn't), because their money's real value is decreasing despite the slow rate of inflation in the country (and they complain? ckck..). Well, at least that's one of the reasons they decided to sulk and make everyone's life less easy for a day- even for those who have cars since they all decided to crowd the city more than ever yesterday ;p

I had the idea of walking to school, since the other options (bus and taxi were either risky because I could end up at school only after Autumn, or because I always get intimidated by streets I don't recognise) were out of the question. But I was feeling lucky and decided to try my chances with the metro. I arrived at 8, and remember thinking, "not bad at all"- despite having been squashed in the over-loaded trains ^ ^;

At 8.35, the professor hadn't come! And I was tired of waiting so I had the brightest idea of calling a friend I knew who was suppose to take the course with me. And, yes you guessed it, French had been cancelled!
I came down to the secretary and asked politely if it was true. She then said yes- and promised that she has sent an email to all that are concerned and a notice was also up on the student board. Now this politeness of me came out with, "I checked my email before I left and I never got yours."

Maybe it's for the fact that she's Spanish, but she didn't look all that friendly after my reply.
I wonder why? :D huehuehe kidding.

Turned out that she sent it to my gmail.
Okaaay, my fault for not having checked that one, but I could've sworn I wrote my hotmail address for pedagogic notices, and gmail for administrative because they are always more boring ;p
Right, I guess they decided that this is more of an "administrative" issue -_-

Just for the record, I wasn't the only student that got befuddled ;p
Oh- wouldn't that have looked horrible great ^ ^;

Peraturan

Di kota ini (dan mungkin banyak kota di dunia- kecuali Jakarta), dengan herannya, peraturan tidak semata-mata diciptakan untuk dilanggar. Begitu pula di kota kotoran anjing ini. Jangan salah, perkataan itu bukan hanya untuk tidak mensyukuri keberadaanku di kota keju, anggur, dan wanita ini. Tetapi memang benar adanya, sekalinya kita keluar berjalan kaki di jalanan kota tua yang rapi ini, kotoran sisa anjing juga dengan setia menemani perjalanan, melekat pada sol sepatu. Itu dengan catatan kita mengenakan sepatu, tentunya. Tinggallah saya mengumpat dalam Bahasa Indonesia di jalanan mengundang heran berbagai orang sekitar.

Ah, lucunya. Saya baru saja membuktikan teori saya salah, karena disini pun sebenarnya pemilik anjing diwajibkan membersihkan sisa makanan itu (dengan cara apa, silahkan berimajinasi). Kalau dipikir-pikir sih memang manusia yang bodoh karena mau diperbodohkan oleh anjing yang, setelah memberi kita pilihan -jalan-atau-rumahmu-bau-, menunggu seraya menjulurkan lidah, menuntut kita cepat-cepat membereskan kotorannya.

Sudahlah, mereka anjing. Mungkin memang kodrat mereka menguji kesabaran umat Prancis yang lebih memilih memelihara anjing ketimbang anak. Pilihan yang saya bisa pahami.

Kembali pada peraturan, kemarin saya berada di samping kakak saya yang sedang mengemudikan mobil dengan kecepatan yang cukup tinggi. Namun kami terpaksa rem mendadak pada tempat penyebrangan karena ada seorang bapak-bapak dengan bayinya di kereta dorong. Lampu untuk kendaraan hijau; lampu penyebrangan pejalan kaki, merah.

Kakak : "whoalah, gimana sih bapak. Ckck.."

Saya : "udah terus aja."

Seraya berhenti dan menunggu sang bapak menyebrang dengan -supposedly- anaknya, kakak saya menoleh kearah saya, masih kaget, dan...

Kakak : "..."

Kereta dorong telah memasuki zona aman, sementara setengah badan sang ayah masih di tempat penyebrangan,

Saya : "Well yeah.. the baby didn't want to cross during a green light. The father wanted it. Ya udah, give it to him. He probably deserves to die, anyway."

Kakak : "..."


And you say riiiite with that incredulous look, together with that -are-you-insane?- type of look.

I simply think that rules sometimes dehumanise people.

It certainly dehumanised me right there.

20/09/05

To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully-constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them; to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible; to forget whatever it was neccessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. -- George Orwell, 1984.

"Smile"

Smile. Smile a facade to protect yourself from being frowned at. Let your cheeks be pushed up by the curving of your smile only to avoid tears rolling down. Smile to prove the world outside you're cheerful and use that to prove to yourself, you are. Smile because you know life is short. Smile because nothing can be done. Smile because you have faith.

Smile, smile, smile.

One person I talked to today told me that I like 'creating' problems; making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe he's right. This could probably have been avoided if I knew the perfect timing notion. But I don't. I should've been able to keep going and let time decide, as oppose to finding that 'time' and bringing it to the present to be discussed.

Turns out I'm just another pathetic idealist.
I've always thought discussing things honestly and listening to what each party has to say would lead to some kind of understanding, no matter how great the difference might be. What I don't understand up 'til now is how to make that party listen.

The person inside me is suffering.
Insya Allah, I'll keep finding a way to smile on earth. Although I know that it'll never be the same kind of smile. This may sound strange but I wish this whole thing will leave me a deep enough scar to accompany me all my life.

Sincerely speaking, this is the least it deserves.

10/09/05

For the first time in days, I finally had the chance to doze off in the afternoon- again. Eventhough there isn't yet any "real" daily activities; ever since I came back here, much of whats happening seem ridiculously exhausting. I just don't seem to be building a safe stage where I can say to myself that this is what I've been waiting for. Because maybe it just isn't.

I've discovered myself looking up at the sky more often nowadays. For what purpose? Well at least I've noticed that a clear day without a cloud in sight isn't as pretty as one with groups of puffed clouds ^ ^; To me, even the blue is different.
Anyhoo, I would be turning tracks of mp3 at a certain volume and just sitting at the balcony- listening to both words and pauses of every track played. I would take a sip of my cold tea only when distracted, after figuring I needed a reason to be there.

Flashes of memories come at many moments of my day. Eventhough at the time I already predicted it would, I'm happy to say that it is as hard as what I had imagine (so you can imagine how I imagined ;p). Well whatever (yes, there goes the ultimate looser-kind of answer).

Can't lie though. I've been feeling rather empty these past few days. Someone must miss me back home (haha..). Well that's probably why. Hang on, I mean the other way around, ofcourse^^;

*sigh*

Quote of the Week

"Celui qui veut, plus que tout, notre bonheur est aussi celui qui nous empeche de le gagner."

Sebuah ironi yang membuat sekujur tubuh merinding.

Falling...

A minute ago I changed into my loosest piece of clothing and headed to our 12m² balcony, hoping to feel some kind of breeze from the cooling summer. I stood there with my hands on the railing, admiring the view of the apartment's garden and looking up at the faded blue sky. I am 3 floors up, an estimation of 12 meters above ground level. I felt a slight of expected fear and refused to prove the existence of gravity which I'm sure would cause my body some kind of permanent damage. I felt fear. And I'm thankful for that. Because I don't think I'll ever have the courage to pick myself up after falling.

I mean any kind of fall, really ;)

Let alone that kind of fall, for that kind of purpose.

Private Entries

One of the unwritten rules of a blogger that I fully backup is the no-no to the delete of entries. Have I done that? Hell no. Uhm.. hang on, I'd say kind of just in case someone shows up and prove otherwise :)

Now now, it would only seem so because some of my older postings are no longer there. Well they might not be there, there. But I can assure you they are (get it? if not then read on). I have a couple of private entries in my blog (ones that don't appear on your screens). Some that I've finished completely and would only consider the negative consequences after, ones I haven't finish, and ones I never will. Mind you, this is not politics I write about that would "only" stab me bit by bit. These are individuals. Obviously something not as apparent.

What I mean by individuals here start from my failures in understanding people, acknowledging their existence, to the many individuals I continue discovering in myself. And no, I'm not crazy.

Let's analyse. Why has the entry made private after (or even before) publishment?

I can think of 3 reasons.

Firstly, such blogger feels the need to record his/her feelings at that precise moment. Typing as first draft, which means without any kind of editing. The angst, disgust, and jubilation (I had to type that in last ;p) flow freely in the content, disregarding chronological events which, in effect, creates one community's very own jargon.
After, usually, explicitely writing everything set to publish on paper (windows, in this case), only then would the blogger gain back his/her social-consciousness (if ever) and in non-extreme cases; either re-edit or keep the entry private.

Secondly, advise coming from readers of blog. This would actually fit in just before the "gaining back his/her (blogger's) social-consciousness" but I figured this needed to be mentioned separately. To say the least, I've personally experienced this one. The reason I decided to take it off-screen was mainly the strong recommendation to. I remember understanding the effects it could cause, but somehow I knew that if I had written it implicitely (how I normally would), the piece wouldn't have its powerful purpose of reminding me how "over-board" I felt. Having it as private entry solved that part of the problem. However with the irritation I had, it would've pleased me more to know that others share a piece of my so-called angst. Besides, it teaches me to be somewhat more impactful and concise in my writing.

Thirdly, making an entry private means that a blogger has decided that the typing is, indeed, too private for the general public. Be it either internet users that accidentally come across the web-address or generally friends/colleagues surrounding him in real/virtual life. I don't think there's much to explain here. It's just simple, there are things you don't want people to know, or at least to know via such an impersonal medium.

Now, lastly, to those who believe you "know" such and such people just because you read their blogs everyday, think again. Even for those who know the real person, occupying volume here on earth, have you ever thought about people blogging for the soul purpose of being someone else? To break away from who one is in the mundane quotidient?

Personally, I only used to blog in order to keep contact with those I no longer have the luxury of meeting and complain about how my life's going. Those people in other parts of the world, be it my friends, cousins, or simply just those who care squinching their eyes for a glance of how success/unsuccessfully I handle my life. But at present, I also blog to remind myself that I've been through such and such stages of life, such and such stages of emotional condition, and that I'll live through it my whole life.

... I just want to be accompanied by my memories.
Those that'll always be a part of me,
and never abandon.

Time to re-enroll. Heads up, seize the opportunity!

30/08/04

Early in the morning I woke up and quickly got ready to gallavant with my mom and her two acquaintances (friends? whatever). We headed to Paris 13, a quartier designated for the Chinese. Ate lunch there and continued to Paris 16; Passy. A favourable shopping area in the heart of Paris.

Whilst I was walking along with women twice and three times my age, I received a phone call from a friend that had just set back foot in Europe the day before. Let's meet! Champs Elysees; George V station. 16:30. I excused myself from the ladies. Done.

We walked along to the end of the avenue and sat on grass under a big tree. A couple of benches decorated the little park, with people from all ages. Enjoying the sun. We finally spent 2 hours talking about our vacation before heading back to the champs and have haagen dazs. Ffiuhh it was a long queue *sigh*

Heading back home was tiring. The Charles De Gaulle - Etoile station was packed full. And suddenly I miss my brother's old corolla back home. Hahaha. Took me about 20 minutes before I punched back the codes to my apartment's building.

Another 24 hour gone.

29/08/05

Ok, being as it is, I've already landed in Paris for 72 hours. And God knows how many hours I have left.

I travelled with Malaysia Airlines in cooperation with Garuda Indonesia. Why I travelled with this would be due to the splash of -somewhat- nationalism and price attraction :) Well yes, I could've saved a few hundred euros if I had chosen to transit in 4 different countries and land in Indonesia after more than 36 hours. Being the anxious person I am though, that wasn't considered an option.

After more than two months of vacation, it was suddenly time to fly back.

Wasn't easy.
Especially now that my heart belongs to someone :)

Summer fling? Those who know me would know better. And I certainly hope I know myself :)

Anyhoo, back to the flight. So there I was slumped in row 58, window seat. I couldn't see anything and started to get irritated by the hustling sound of bags heaved to the overhead compartment. I felt confused and couldn't look at myself from the outside. I poured tears only to feel.

One movie from it's inflight entertainment programme was more than enough to make me realise that a part of what I left behind had came along :) The joy, laughter, and smile will keep me moving in this stranger's land. I guess once this feeling is sorted, I'll be able to return and play the gamble of life. Predicting the future from every present seconds.

Besides, yesterday I picked one tree by the Eiffel on behalf of someone.

A sign of one (out of many) dream that'll one day become reality :) Insya Allah.

Destination

My flight is tonight. I would probably write the details of the flight in my next post as I know that they'll be lots of things flying through my mind. Anyhoo, I remember the time when I first set foot here in Jakarta, two months and two days ago. The feeling of utmost relief after letting my deepest shrouded feelings evaporate and fuse with Jakarta's polluted air. 'Til we meet again, I thought.

And here I am, now, hours away from having to tame it again.

It's been fast.

Paris, here I come.

Post of Mind

Two (ok, three ^^;) days before take off. What I feel rests a mystery. For some, Paris could be heaven on earth. I'm not sure they're wrong.
Just can't prove they're right.

How can a city so beautiful be loathed? Because it's foreign. Because it's foreign, it's unwelcoming. Because it's unwelcoming, it's cold. Because it's cold, it's bitter.

And let's face it, I feel as if I have the obligation to feel blessed being there just because millions of people where I come from would consider it as one. Screw, the hell, outta that.

Haha.. I feel obligated..
Great, that must've sounded incredibly grateful.

New Template!

First of all, a huge thanks to teh Ninit for her kind attention to the survival of my blog, hehe. She sent me an email earlier, suggesting me to download, modify, and (as bonus) get personalized help from her through MSN :)

After hours in front of the laptop screen trying to alter html codes, this is what the screen came to look like ^ ^; In fact, this is just the amature version of this (a very well designed collaboration blog). I think I'll stay with this template for long. So people, don't get bored!!! ;)

Anyhoo, today I came across one of the most valuable reasons why I have friends' (read: acquaintances) id's on MSN. Simple really, because they know things I don't. Besides, it's always a hoot to say 'hi' in -let's say- 3 years and find out that he's currently doing a training course in one multinational company, graduating next year, engaged, divorced with 3 kids. Kidding. Anyhoo, then normally I'd quickly check to the nearest mirror and ask myself, "where have I been all these years? Did I give out the wrong address?" ;p

So this happened. I was still busy with my html codes when my mom threw a question of when the first day of Ramadhan will fall this year. I completely ignored her thinking that the other two carbon-based creature in the room would respond. Well, they did... just not the way they were supposed to.

Turned out that the most intelligent answer probable at the time was, "sometime soon" which forcefully let out a -why-were-you-born-son-?- type of look from mom. Grasping the last hopes for intelligence on her daughter's part, she turned to me (ha!). At first I thought I'd do a google on this but found out soon enough that I couldn't be bothered ^ ^;

So I turned to my reliable messenger.
I screened to pick out the most eligible person. FTS .::El sNeFrOs::. grabbed my attention instantly. Muslim. Egyption. Pharaon. Perfect. *loh?*

Omar (el snefros) said that it should be around the 4th of October. Which means it would be around the first day of school. Yippee (read in most dullest tone). Well, take care everyone. Oh, and hope you like my new template ;)

Help!

I need a new layout! Help!!!

28/07/05

Two weeks since I last updated. Wow, it's been long. Too long.

Pour des raisons auxquelles je ne peux pas expliquer, je vais ecrire une partie importante de ce poste en francais. Je m'excuse aupres de vous pour toutes les erreurs grammaticalles, fautes d'ortographes, et de sens, qu'il pourrait contenir. Je serais toujours debutante en cette langue. Et franchement, ca me degoute.

On dirait que maintenant tout est clair. Il n'y a pas a peine une semaine qu'un ami m'a tout expliquee. Je n'ai jamais ete dans une telle situation, ou je ne sais pas quoi faire et il parrait vraiment que c'etait la fin. Et peut-etre qu'il l'est.

Surement vous avez tous au moins une histoire d'amour, meme si elle a termine -vous-ne-savez-plus-quand-, que vous pouvez rappeler aux tous moments de la journee et soudain...comme un petit miracle... vous vous trouvez avec un bel sourire :-) Ce n'est pas aussi different pour moi.
En depit de tous les temoins de mes proches, je suis bien un etre humain :p J'ai mes hauts et bas, j'apprecie la vie bien plus aux bons moments que ceux de mal. Et, comme tout le monde, j'essaie de definir "l'amour."

Je crois que c'est bien la premiere fois ou je me sens aussi fragile. Je ne suis pas fixe a la posession, je sens qu'elle n'est plus aussi importante maintenant. La longevite de la posession n'est qu'une question de temps. Et moi, je prefere de le sentir sans frontier :-) Meme si ca ne va pas durer longtemps, au moins... ce que je ressens restera dans l'espace non-physique de cette terre (haha.. quel niveau de langue!) ;-)

temper...temper...

Wow, it has been 3 wonderful weeks since I first landed back to the city where I was born. I love every sensation of it, the humid smell of the earth, the welcoming regard from others, the nostalgic touch of the sun, and most importantly the refill of my vacuum heart. Sounds deep, hein? hahaha... well it's been going great so far, there's only one major dispute between (yes, you guessed it) my mother and I. And when I say major, I mean it. I don't think we've ever disputed that way before, you know, the type where one shouts and suddenly the other reacts by, well- shouting too. And then all of the sudden the effect of tears began to appear in the shouting until you can hardly make out what it's saying ^ ^; Yeah, that kind of dispute.

I can't believe I waited this long to rebel. I can't believe I've only just discovered that I have that side of me. And I've always thought I could keep my temper cool. Well, I'm neither proud or sulky about it, but to look at it from the bright side, at least I've finally decided de faire un, je vais dire, "coupure" de sentiment. C'est un veritable enfer. If there's any proudness, then it's the fact that I can do that.

Happy bastille day pour La France.
Happy birthday, Cen.

News

I've hidden away many times as part of my dependency towards people. If one's to verdict that I don't trust people, I would object because although I make certain negative pre-assumptions about them, there are those I follow purely out of the divine "trust". I roam around my continuous circle of inquietude and hide myself behind she who I seek to be. Enclosed tightly, I am, but due to the hallucination crafted by time; I’ve learned to define enclosure as a mere antonym of a "universe too bold to challenge" they call freedom.

I dressed myself and saw my reflection on the empty computer screen. Even without colors I could see I was pale. I first saw me starring at myself before gazing emptily. Even the coated shimmer of lip gloss reflected back the minimum amount of light that managed to sweep through the rich midnight curtains.

I straightened my arched back and convinced myself that my face deserved a smile that night. So one I put. The angle, I thought, was severely acute and lifted my cheek bones in a strange manner. I ran my hands through the well-fitted black dress and turned myself towards the mirror. This is it. This is where it'll start and end, just before any form of pain resides.

I let my feet slid to last year's Prada before I clutched its matching bag. As I carefully step downstairs, trying to get use to the 7 cm heels again, I quickly checked if every little thing was neatly drawn into place at a nearby wall-mirror. I didn't bother to perfect my smiling curve because every time I do, I always end up with the one that shows up in the many unsolicited photos anyway. One so pure that makes me reluctant to ever go out again. These photos make me look opened to a point where I feel defenseless. But when I look at the people bordering me, they're always the same. Occasionally I meet one or two new people and decide to get on well with them over drinks, take a couple of group pictures, and back to acting strangers again the next day.

I excused myself for being late as I arrived at the bottom of the series of stairs. A couple I’ve learnt to know quite well invited me to sit next to them whilst their arms were romantically around each other. Have you heard, she whispered. I startled in confusion, thinking whether it is one matter that I have, or one that I should, but haven't.

Which, I whispered back, trying to harmonize my hush with the classic lounge tunes. She blushed slightly and, for what seemed like 2 eternal seconds, looked down and started to fidget her partner’s bold hand. A wedding in the month of June. I congratulated them, much less than how I normally would to such a news, but nevertheless I managed to stay polite. Perhaps because I hadn't figure out which type of matter it is. Should I have known that? Do they think I'm jealous? Or, am I?

I soon lifted my regret when I realized their eyes were locked on each other the second time that night, hesitant to let the other out of sight, wishing never to have to let go. Their love feels real, they say, and it can only be real. My thoughts flew back to the photos, now with the two of them in the centre and I'm nowhere to be seen, even though I'm physically there. I knew enough not to interrupt. After all, they were only there to share the news, or more to find out how the news have spread.

Quote

"I should have expressed myself more clearly and explained that I still wanted to see (him) [...]. When the time was right, I would take a train, taxi, plane or whatever just to be by (his) side. This would, of course, mean losing the (man) who was there by my side at that moment, steadfastly doing all (he) could to prove how important I was to (him)." --Paulo Coelho, The Zahir.

fault

Gue baru aja nyadar suatu hal yg gue telah sadari beribu kali sebelumnya, namun tetap saja pada akhirnya gue sadar gue 'nyadar' kembali. Susah memang. Di satu pihak gue ngeliat hal yg gue lakuin itu gak mungkin membawa dampak buruk bagi pihak2 lain yg bersangkutan, melupakan bahwa sebenarnya dampak buruk tsb langsung dan hanya menikam gue. Ini bukan suatu upaya untuk mem-boast kemurnian hati gue. Ini bukan tempatnya.

Menginginkan sesuatu itu ternyata (benar) seperti curse. Jika tidak mendapatkannya, maka balon impian dari apa yg kita 'gagal' capai akan jatuh dan terkubur dalam (setidaknya) alam bawah sadar. Semakin waktu berlalu, semakin tak terlihat ia dari pandangan. Namun saat mengalami keadaan yg serupa, balon kan mengalami gesekan dan tekanan tumpul yg memberatkan batin. Balon impian tak kan pernah pecah, karena permainan antara hidup & waktu telah menyepakati puncak tingkat tekanan & gesekan, sehingga dengan kejam dan pengertiannya selalu memainkan masalah diantara itu.

Gue (sedang) melakukan suatu kesalahan. Beberapa orang menganggapnya dead wrong. Beberapa orang lainnya beranggapain ini nggak salah, namun tindak lanjut gue menangani masalah inilah yg salah. What's the fu*kin difference?! I'm still wrong in the end.

They don't understand. Mereka bahkan tidak mengetahui setengah dari drama ini. Garis besar yg begitu tebal telah disimpulkan yg ngebuat gue bener2 nyesel udah ngomong apa2 dan memutuskan untuk tidak sekalipun berupaya membuat mereka mengerti. Capek. Toh gue sendiri sudah tau bahwa gue salah. Bahkan mereka yg tadinya menjadi sumber keyakinan gue bahwa gue 'gak salah' pun akhirnya memvonis sebaliknya. This is no endless discussion: it's wrong.
I'm just tired of explaining why Robin Hood is stealing. Ok, maybe that's too humble of an image, but I really just can't be bothered explaining the middle when they already know the end. I was never much of a storyteller from the start.

Logic of the mind has always found its place together with the other logic that exist as part of my human nature. Saat ini keduanya berada jauh dari keinginan otak gue tuk sadari bahwa, this is a battle in which I (stupidly) thought I had an ally that had the same interest on the battle field. I never dared to look back and realise that he never signed the contract. Foolishly, however, I seek the journey on my own anyway. And believe he would come.

27/06/05

Wow, it's been quite a while since I haven't updated. It's been rather hectic down here... I've been going out of home since the first day I landed in the city. For the meantime, I mostly go out with my mum, accompanying her and making sure that my dad has everything he needs for his flight back to Africa. He's going back first. Duty call.

I saw two of my closest friends on Saturday and we went altogether to my ex-highschool (there was supposedly a musical event there- but there wasn't much ^ ^;). I happened to meet a couple of other friends whilst I was at my old highschool, those that recognise me from the past, and those I recognise from mine. It was a wonderful experience :)

I've been doing a lot of shopping too! huehehe, comparing the currency against the euro is really doing me bad ^ ^; Can't help it cause I know I'll be going back to ol' luminous town Paris. Not that it's bad... It's just, different. And I think as days go by in Jakarta, I love this city more and more. The people I meet, the stuff I learn, the experience I acquire... I feel welcomed. Here, in the city where I was born.

Jakarta -1-

I left home at around 5.30am to pick up my parents at the CDG - Roissy airport. They had just travelled more than 5 hours from the deep west of Africa, to be continued with another 12 (Paris - Kuala Lumpur) and 1.30 (Kuala Lumpur - Jakarta). Luckily I was one step ahead.

The flight was exhausting. However that didn't stop me from being thrilled that I can actually go back and reunite with my family once again. I was picked up by my first brother and an aunt & uncle at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport, Jakarta. I'm glad everything went well :)

As I got into the car and headed back home (yes, home), I figured not a lot has changed in the country. The same gazes of trepidated dark eyes are paired, in search of random answers to the propagating answer to life. I haven't been elsewhere yet. I plan to. Today.

I haven't really contacted any of my friends, and one unique phone call was addressed to me. Well, fortunately I have time. Time to figure out what's best.

-2-1- take off!

Listening to: [Pour toi] - Jenifer
Je sais tu reviendras
Laissez-moi penser ca
Je serais la
Pour toi...

This song has been playing in my head for a while now. Shew! I've always had a certain appreciation for songs with the 'right' kind of lyrics. This time, in fact, this song was *dedicated* to me. I thought it was nice :) At first I listened to it on a friend's mp3 player, but unfortunately at the time I couldn't make out the lyrics. After a google, I finally understood, huahaha.

Yesterday, I went to a friend of my mom's to say my goodbye and give her full authority of our long-term assets ^ ^; I believe it was up to 37 degrees yesterday, and wow did I feel glad when we finally stepped into her house after a sunny 15 minute walk. This year is going to be one hell of a summer. If I was to stay here, that portable air-conditioner would surely be invested inside my place, huahaha. Anyhoo, I enjoyed staying there for hours, talking, joking, and eating everything.

I still have 'some' things to do for today (I know I know, I'm such a last minute type of person). Actually it's meeting a couple of friends from highschool. One came here again (Kel, it's Dita!) for the second time after graduation, and I intend to meet her since I didn't get to see her the last time :( Hmm yes, that and a couple of other things are down for today ;)

My Element

Your element is Water. You have a calm aura around you and are in tune with the world around. You observe it but rarely interfere. Because of your shy and timid nature you will not have so many friends in your life. But then again,large crowds aren't your thing anyway. You are comfortable on your own and are reserved to others who you don't know or know very little of. You know everyone out there does not want to be your friend, and knowing that is good. However, people who don't know you that well thinks that you are cold and distant since you don't want to talk to them.

Although you mean no harm, you can't always be perfectly understood in the world. No one can. Life in general; you are quite serene even if there are some things you don't like. Your love-life is not so full of boys/girls, but if you flirted more with the ones you were interested in I'm sure something would happen. The hobbies you choose are calmer ones, you are no party girl that likes to drink and make-out with three or more guys/girls in one night. Reading a book or swimming is more your thing.

What is your element?
brought to you by Quizilla

---
Ok, this is one of the random quizzes available out there in the world wide web. I decided to post this one because some things stated fit in with how I'd describe myself. So well done to whoever-made-this, for outlining and putting into words a so-called projection of myself.

Only 3 days before departure. Funny this is, the more excited I become of leaving this city, the more fear I have of things that might happen on the other side. Sure is scary.

16/06/05

Yet another attempt of designing a page with a personal touch. Haha, who am I kidding... Personal? Due to my very basic html knowledge, this was the best I could dress it up with ^ ^; It's not precisely how I want it, but I guess I'd have to be satisfied with my modest (I mean to say my zero) graphic design capability ^ ^;

In 5 days, I'll be heading to Charles De Gaulle - Roissy Airport.
Destination: Jakarta.

The last time I set foot in Jakarta was around 1.5 years ago. That time, I had the chance to migrate from the bitter coldness of Paris' winter for 12 days. Only 12 days- considering it's a 15 hour flight.

I remember feeling a rush of excitement, cramping my 10 days agenda with unfinished plans originally due over a year ago. I also remember forgeting everything when I got on that plane. I knew it was impossible. Many things unchanged are equally numerous as those that have.
Then that must mean changes aren't to be feared, yes?

Nice vacation. Nice birthday. I was around those I love, and I couldn't ask for more.

Wonder what this vacation is going to turn into. Once again I find myself having high hopes, no more. I wish to make the most out of this year's summer in Jakarta, however I refuse to limit myself inside my own "planning-box." I just want to see people, to better understand them, and carve new memories. I miss remembering those times.

Wheel of Life

For a few days now, I've been lifted high to a place where perfection exists. I'm not talking about heaven. My wheel of life is at its best. To illustrate using the "Wheel of Fortune" tele-quiz image, I'd say right now my pointer points at one of the silver-glittery pieces with "BONUS" written boldly. And after that I know I'll be getting a "free spin," which will let me finish and ace the round :)

My finals start tomorrow. Allah, give me strength.

For you, Gi.

It was only after graduation that we noticed we had things in common. You and I never had 'real' classes together, neither did we 'hang out' whenever we had free periods together in that cramp little school of ours. At first I felt you were someone much different and that our two worlds would hardly collide. And surely it didn't. Not during highschool, anyway. But it got more like tanggled together after ^^;

Then graduation drew nearer and became the hot topic of our year. Our dress, our hairstyle, our make up, shoes... we wanted everything close to perfection. We've waited for this moment so long, after suffering all the things any EaB Victor Hugo students can imagine (you can't even start imagining...) At first we thought we would go altogether to get our hair & make-up done, but you decided to abandon me and Kel at the last moment. Hix.. hehe, kidding gal ;)

We sat at one table during that memorable grad dinner. You and your parents, Kel and hers, and little Mia fitting into your table :p After that night, things went from good to fabulous ;) I enjoyed every time we met, whether it be a simple day's out or crashing into your place and analyse the development of your culinary skill. Huehe..

Well, thanks for everything, Gi. You've taught me so much. And now your 'real' life will start. I wish you all the best. Don't forget to continue making people's day with your smile. Don't forget Paris and everything this city has given you. I'm going to miss you. Take great care, buddy. Until your wedding day ;)

Umak

Innaa lillaahi wa inna illaihi rooji'uun

Umak, which literally means "mother" in my dialect, is my grandma. Yesterday at about 5.30am (GMT+7) she let out her last breath at Pertamina's Hospital ICU (Intensive Care Unit), Jakarta, Indonesia. Age, 89. Her lost, to me, was unexpected.

That was just past midnight Paris time. I was sleeping soundly, not a worry. Yeah, I was even having fun when they burried her. I was... sitting at haagen dazs when I got lost in my friends' conversation until one of them waved in front of my face.

I received news that she was in the hospital on Wednesday. I admit the thought crossed my mind, but I didn't expect it to happen before I can kiss her two cheeks like I used to. And to think that was only due in weeks. In just weeks...

If I am to comment on the way she lived her life, it is one I shall like to live. As far as I know, she hasn't any regrets. She lived a peaceful life throughout. Watching her sons grow up, Allah giving her grandchildren and even 3 angels as great grandchildren. She never worked for wealth. Wealth worked for her.

I've always been proud to see her stand up and follow every tarawih prayers with her weak knees during Ramadhan. I used to stand beside her, because mom would worry that anyone else can accidentally squash her foot on the last raka'at. Years ago, she would always have hot chocolate ready for me after I splash in her pool. She would ask her driver to pick me up from school, when it was just minutes away walking.

Every Saturday night, she would make sure that each grandchild's favourite food was ready on the table. Each dessert. Each of our photo is displayed in her home. She had a warm heart. She really did.

I used to write her letters when I was in Canberra. And she would always write back. Those long and curved handwriting of hers. She would send me cards on my birthday. As I got older and her getting weaker, whenever my birthday was approaching, she would ask my mom to buy for me a present from her part...
Last I met her, she still loved fresh bread from bakeries, but she would no longer join in to our conversations. Nevertheless she always smiled. Looking at each of us with her soft brown eyes.

I'm her last grandchild. I wasn't her favourite, but I never saw it any other way. Je t'aime, Umak. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you. I love you.

31/05/05

[Listening to]: She's Out of My Life - Josh Groban
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life...

There's no particular reason why I chose this song to soothe my ears this late at night. I guess I just want to relive my conscious between what's right and wrong. Didn't know I was. Turns out I am ;) If you didn't understand that, then maybe you shouldn't try. No, I meant it.

I saw my English teacher from highschool in the metro today. Actually, she got off at Victor Hugo, ready to get back teaching, I presume. She didn't see me. Well, I think she didn't. Although... I was speaking to a friend in English instead of French which could well stand out inside a rather empty train. Well whatever.

Got off at Porte Dauphine and saw my accounting instructor got off the same train. At first I felt like I wanted to sprint and sit in class asap, but for some reason (beside the obvious -he-saw-me-I-saw-him- reason) I wanted to walk alongside him to ISG. This might not be great news for some of you, but considering that it's me we're talking about here, let me tell you, it is.

He was very friendly, asked bout my plan for the summer. I guess I felt rather comfortable talking the whole 10 mins walk because he's such a father figure. Whatever it was, it was nice :) After class, got into a deep convo with a class mate from school, found out that college students are more childish than highschool. Or is it just me. Once again, whateva hein.

Got into the topic of hypocricy. Guess some people will stay as idealists all their lives. What does it mean anyway? Surely I even thought the talk was a form of hypocricy. It's just been said too much that its meaning can be flexibly twisted to one's use. Besides, attending a business school and having such a utopian view, is hypocricy at its core.

27/05/05

The temperature was really hot yesterday. Shew. I could've been in a barbeque!
The sky was bright & blue, but the air felt uncomfortably dry and still. The only cool place I could find was the metro station. The hopeless vending machine was understandingly empty when I put the 2 euro coin down its throat. Hmm... I remember wishing I had something cold down my throat. I wasn't as desperate as to put coins, though ;) That'll come later, I presume.

So yes, it was hot. Heard rumours that it will be one of Paris' hottest summer this year. Let's just hope it doesn't get as bad as 2003's. If yes, we're toast. Well, not we, more like me.

Getting incredibly hard to concentrate in class. This time it's not the heat, it's just me. My mind's already on vacation and I must pull it back at all costs.

Spring Results

My results from last semester are out, with one pending result from principles of mgt. Why? Because I got an E and I didn't accept it so I told them to change it to an A. Hahaha... well, it's partly true, for the moment I barely pass that subject, but that's because my project wasn't corrected by the instructor eventhough I finished it way before deadline (funny, isn't it?). In short, he lost my paper. Well- not only mine, thank God.

I received a notification email that my grade transcript is in my mailbox on Saturday but I was too fed up and lazy to go check it out (...and I wasn't sure how they were going to look like). I checked it finally on Monday, just before going out to the metro station. I was nervous. Especially considering the final papers of certain subjects that I felt I kind of pulled the answers out of my brain just like that. But it turned out good :) My eyes were directed instantly to the ugly looking E and crossed the page to see that I earned it for principles of mgt. Now here's the challenge to describe how I felt.

The thing was, one part of me just plainly couldn't believe it. Another was smiling.
Ironic, hein?
Well, why I was smiling is the more interesting one to explain. I remember thinking, "wow.. I barely got the credit..." and continued with, "but I did... that's what's important." Then a few moments later I thought about my parents and how they would react to it. The funny thing was... I was okay with it. It's like I wanted the grade to prove people's expectations of me are wrong. Guess I was desperate.

So yeah... good results for the first semester. Thanks to all the people that've supported me through :-) I appreciated it alot.

PS: Happy Birthday, Solaf!!! *MmuazZ*

*Curhat*

Hwaaa........ *hiperbole effect*

Is this homesick? Hmm... yes and no.

The thing is, something not so delicious happened between a frie- I mean someone, and I. It's total crap.
(Sorry folks, this posting will exceptionally be in Indonesian. Err.. correction, Indo slangs ^^; Just in case).

Ya "just in case" dia nemuin blog gue (yg mana gampang abis, tinggal nulis nama gue doang di google atau ngga yahoo).

-Gimana kalo dia nemuin situs translasi bhs Indo ke Inggris, Mi?
Mending dia bakal ngerti gaya curhat gue yg asal jidat gini.
-Kalo dia punya temen Indo lain?
Ya tant pis (too bad). Sebodo amat... toch dia udah sampe usaha segitunya
biar ngerti... ya biarin aja. Maybe she should know.
Sinting!

Sebenernya gue mau nyalurin rasa bete gue hari ini. Udah susah2 gue drag my lazy a*s ke metro di sore hari yg mendung dan pikiran di awang2, eEh gue malah dihadapin ama another sort of sh*t. Intinya, kita berantem. Ya ngga sih, lebih ke saling diem2an. Anak kecil banget ngga sih?!! Tambah ngebetein.
Alesannya? Karena gue ngga suka nelpon!
Sebenernya ni cerita udah berakar dari beberapa minggu yg lalu pas abis kita ke pub trus dia merasa "diasingkan" sama temen2 lainnya, terutama sama gue. Padahal sih gue ngerasa gue biasa2 aja.

Trus pas pulang itu deh, ampe duduk di stasiun Felix Faure ampe sejam lebih (note udah jam 1 pagi itu ya..). Kita ngomong deh tuh, dia bilang dia deket ama gue karena dia merasa gue enak diajak ngobrol dan dia punya perasaan yg enak aja kalo ngomong ama gue. Yah pokoknya saling muji tapi dengan ujung yg berbisa abis!

dia: "Loe kalo mau ketemu temen loe ngapain, Mi?"
gue: "Ya gue telfonlah."
dia: "Loe ngga pernah nelpon gue berarti loe ngga pernah mau nemuin
gue dong?"

Urgh... kalo gue yg sekarang pasti bilang gini, "you damn right I don't! Kutil!" Tapi pada pagi buta itu gue jelasin aja kalo gue orangnya emang ngga demen nelpon2 orang dengan tujuan tidak jelas. Beranjak dari situlah rasa il-feel gue berkembang ke dia.

Trus tadi (setelah sekitar 2 minggu plus long wiken gue ngga kontak), GUE DICUEKIN!
Kampung! x(

Tapi gpp juga, buktinya tadi gue di kelas jadi super attentive. Gue jawab sebanyak2 pertanyaan dan quiz dengan efikas sampe2 gue sendiri heran. Setelah quiz2 selesai gue kerjain, gue taruh kepala gue di meja. Ditanya apa udah selesai, gue jawab, "ofcourse Sir," dengan attitude -a-piece-of-lemper!-
Sombong ya? :)

Gue pengen cepet2 summer course selesai... gue pengen cepet2 pulang. Ya, mungkin gue kekanak-kanakan juga karena gue akan -utk kesekian kalinya- lari dari masalah gue. Gue ngga merasa sakit kok, this is nothing.

Gue inget dia pernah nanya, "apa di masa lalu loe pernah ada kejadian yg ngebuat loe jadi kayak gini, Mi?" (maksudnya tertutup, seneng di rumah, dll). Saat itu gue inget menjawab seabstrak mungkin. Tapi sekarang jawabannya semakin jelas... ya, orang seperti loe inilah yg membuat gue merasa harus jadi gini. Gue berterima kasih sama orang di masa lalu gue for having prepared me to the likes of you. Not you. You're just another one of the many I will meet.

Financial Accounting

Financial Accounting?

What the hell IS this?

Hang on- I've done this before! When was that... ah yes, 10th grade. With a teacher that writes his own little thing on the bloody board!!!

Obviously I sound disturbed. And I am.

There were around 10 of us in the class, with an instructor that kept throwing names and looking my direction- guessing. After repeated errors ("Charlotte? Ruth? Mark??" I mean "Mark" ? He has got to be joking...), finally found a name tough to pronounce (but tried anyways) and marked my attendance.

My first impression of him? French (actually I'm not sure if he is), speaks wonderful British English (which I like alot), and a paternal type of leader (his age and deep-toned yet clear voice accentuates credibility).

Then the class officially started.

The first few minutes were okay, some theories upon world accounting- concentrating the difference between a European (mainly French, ofcourse) and the American financial language.
Then it came to the tables, the terms that's forever changing, and the individual-asked questions... suddenly I was in total awe.
Why?
Because I was beating my a*s following him, whereas other students seem to read the transactions and figure what to write in milliseconds. Now by this time I was really wondering what's happening to me. Was it my breakfast? The total-slacking period of two weeks? Brain damage?!?

Considering the options, I'm relieved to say that I was simply out of it.

Only after class did I find out that 6 of the people in the class are actually repeating the particular course (failed it in semester 1). It cheered me up a bit I guess, not much.

After intl marketing and today's striking experience in class... I know that I won't pass my weeks easily. Materials meant for 3.5 months are due to finish in just 6 weeks (1.5 months). It's either madness or complete time-efficiency.

I gotta dash.

Why won't I grow up?

A complete loser.

You know how it feels, when you've tried to hold something back and knowing that it's the best thing to be doing, but then you suddenly break. That very instant, you know that you've failed. Failed to convince the people you love that everything is okay, and worse- failed to prove that you're "adult" enough to deal with your own problems.

Well for me, it's more because I let those loved ones worry. After days knowing that something is wrong, and suddenly knowing it in the end. I feel pathetic.

Maybe it's because of my "youngest" nature that I tend to see myself so capricious at times. Always forcing my ego to come forward- knowing it's wrong, but assured that my two brothers will act as "bumper" thus when things go wrong, I'd still be safe. And when things occasionally go right, I'm the one crossing my arms smiling victoriously.

I don't know if understanding this with tears means any sign of "maturity." Or is it when I finally hear what I wanted to hear, but realise that I'm back to the starting point with no clearer clue as how to decide, maturity? The clock is ticking.

I blame myself. I blame myself for being exceptionally weak.
Why won't I grow up?

Home with a Bang!

Hello everyone :-)

Lately, I've been daydreaming too much. Kinda stressing. Kinda sad. Hahaha. Well anyways.
What I daydream about isn't appropriate to share on a public blog that-God knows- who read. I mean, seriously... this is why I've provided the "Read Me" link. Yes, go on now... check it out ;-)

Been getting last updates from friends. It's always nice to hear from them :-)

Hmm what can I say, summer session starts on Monday. I keep reminding myself that all I have to endure is another 6 weeks before I pack my bags. Can hardly wait! But yes... of course I have that tiny responsibility of acing my two subjects before I can go home with a bang. With a bang... yes, that I will ;-)

Ambitious. Hey- I'm worthy of a capricorn, right? ^ ^;

O'Sullivans

Alot has happened since I last updated. Starting from the hunt for mini-ipod to the tasting of the divine "summer cone" at haagen dazs. Sounds like a great vacation so far, hein? ;-)

Friday night, there was a small gathering at O'Sullivans (to the left of Moulin Rouge). My first impression of the place was impressive- neat, clean, classy. We met at around 9 pm starting with 5 of us sitting at a corner lounge. When it came to ordering drinks, "Quick Fu*k", "Orgasm", "Mother's Milk" didn't seem to attract my attention- cappucino did :-) The fact is really because I don't drink alcohol. Not that I love cappucino that much.

The later it got, the room was practically clogged with cigarette smokes. Urgh.
Anyway, I had a great time, talking with people I knew little about at college. So it was a nice experience overall. Got home at 1.30am (early for some, but for me it's bloody late!).
I still prefer little chats at haagen dazs though, huahuahua.

Well, I got another week of slaking before things get serious academically again.
Better enjoy it :-)

Reassurance

Listening to: [BoA - Every heart]

The following highlights my present academic state:

1. I've done my finals.
2. I've abandoned every piece of photocopy paper.
3. I'm leaving my grades to the hands of fate.

Simply put, I'm on vacation. And I tend to slack to the fullest ;-)

Yesterday I gave more thought to the importance of reassurance. People in a state of dilemma asking an opinion/advice- and by doing so, hope that the weight of majority tendencies will lead them to make the 'right' decision.

Well- it's nothing new.
Also not new to know that such people already have the expected words at the back of their minds.

Personally, I don't think it's a fair trade. Simply stating personal preferences and trying to somewhat put it into their context. That would be misleading.
Nevertheless, I also occasionally spring my thoughts overboard with people. However I found it to be more of a rapport and not a report.
If we hit the stereotype, rapport talks are mostly adopted by females. Maybe that is the very case.

The idea of sharing, and not finding a solution, prones to be the essential.

20/04/05

Eventhough I'm in the middle of my finals, the very fact that I'm online and writing an entry on blogspot give away much of how I study :-p I don't find it particularly effective (considering how I flunked two of my exams already), but it keeps me in a peaceful state of mind.

The sun is shining warmly outside, I guess spring is finally here. To stay.

My so-called trip to Barcelona has been cancelled. We had planned to go Tuesday next week and spend 4 days of my one week break. I didn't really want to go anyway, especially now knowing that a good friend of mine will leave Paris for good soon- which makes that week the last chance for me to see her before she gets married, huahua. Besides, I'm not much of a traveler.

I'm practically shouting to release myself from this city, but not Barcelona. There's no one there.

What I will do, however, is enjoy one full day at Disneyland Resort! Huahua it should do me some good to be circled by laughter, giggles, smile, and love. As they say, "plan is nothing; planning is everything."

So hmm... at least these plans keep me going through the hours, flipping through text books.
To my short-term memory, brace for impact ;-)

Moi, ma vie.

Chers amis,

Chaque jour qui passe, je me demande encore plus de ce que je fais.
J'ai essayé de me souvenir comment j'ai ressenti et de tout ce que je me suis dit. Tous les choses que j'ai fait pour m'asurer que c'était un risque dont j'étais prête à prendre, aujourd'hui- il me semble, ne me justifient plus.

Mes pensés sont troublées depuis quelques jours.
Sans savoir la bonne voie et toujours en doutant qu'elle existe, je me suis trouvée en dilemme. Cette dilemme ne cause pas des véritables problèmes. Pourtant, chaque fois que je me dirige vers ce qu'il me paraît "une solution," j'ai l'impression d'être contradicté aussi vite après.

Le pire c'est d'être conradicté par nos propres sentiments.

C'est ce que je ressentais. C'est ce que je ressens encore.


Je voudrais que tout soit mettre en place, meme si j'ignore ce que cette "place" réserverait pour le futur.
De toute façon, je souhaite qu'on ne cesse jamais de se comprendre.

Sunny & Rainy Days

Hmm the ever-changing weather seems to best describe how I'm doing lately. There are the sunshiny days and the rainy days (well- not so much rainy because it doesn't imply me actually crying). The sunny days would always be that 30 seconds when my printer starts to make siftful sounds, printing my definition of a master piece, haha ;-)

I might not be the best sort of person for last-minute tasks here, but nevertheless it is a part of my nature. Pressure really does work, however quoting from one of my instructors, "you can only bang your head against a brick wall for so long before getting permanent brain damage."
Let's hope that never happens :-)

I sense the scent of victory everytime I accomplish tasks merely hours before deadline. Right at that moment when what is seen on screen got concretised on paper, I knew that I've defeated chrono.
The only moment that any human being can win a race against time.

As for the rainy days, that's when midterm results are given back- hehe.
En fait, mes midterms ne sont pas mal (certains vont me dire que c'est meme bon- chacun sa definition). I'd just like to believe that this is at the expense of something else. And here it goes, another sunny day!!! :-)

Observational Skills? lol

Coucou everyone :-)

Today was my last week of the "Wednesdays 9 hours torture session."
To be honest, my mind was flying high to every direction (even more so today)- breaking through the four walls of the classroom into the hazy gray and drizzle.
What was there to be learnt washed away softly but surely.
I was feeling enough sympathy towards my instructor, too.
He had also been talking from 8.30 am. And teaching became difficult after the first 2 hours of management and macro theories.

Now when I said difficult, I mean really difficult.
I sat in my usual spot, near the balcony to stick myself to the nearest emblem of freedom. I actually came up with a few observations by turning my head back and forth and to the left. Here's what I saw- and the view must be worse when you're standing and explaining with a hoarse voice :

1) Hussled people at the right corner of the class, the first 3-4 rows from the back. Now this bunch simply doesn't share any of such interest and has the appetite of letting the instructor know. Mind you that this constitutes majorly of french students in their early 20's which have some apparent antipathy towards America, Bush, and his policies (the only topic that evokes reaction).

2) So-so yes people, situated on the back left-corner. For some reason these people show up proudly with their laptops and notebooks and browse the net to kill time. They usually have some kind of response when particular questions are asked, usually something like, "No sir, actually the current unemployment rate is rising more than that in France..."

3) Arched-back, Straight, Slouched people sitting in the 2-3 rows of the middle of the class. Me. What more to explain? :-P

4) The first few rows. Well, what more is there to say? "Exams are in two weeks!"
Oh sure, that helps- yey (read in the dullest tone).

As a whole, it was a drowsy day.
I came home feeling exhausted and empty to a large extent.

31/03/05

Listening to: [Corneille - Seul au monde]
Maman m'a dit avant de partir
Montre jamais tes faiblesses, et dans le pire
Reste fort ravale tes larmes
Garde ta fierte reste humble, ta plus belle arme

Light showers calm the city, drawing back its mysterious historical aura, regretting the April sunshine.
The semester will end in about a month (didn't I say 'soon?' - hehe well this is revision week + exam week). Things are pretty much falling in order, that is, I know which assignments I have to get done by next week. Sure, I have a handful... but in a way I'm thankful because it keeps me on the edge of my seat. It keeps me focused, it even keeps me laughing. Hehe, close to the level of insanity now :p
*ehem* If anything, I feel alive.

Obviously, this is influenced by other things outside my academic life :-)
The "blue sky holiday" dream keeps me going through tough times, and the thought of building social ties with people helps me realise that life is moving on... and thank God, it's bringing me with it ;-)

So how. It was.

Besides the very fact that I lost my imagine-R* today, the buscomm** presentation was alright. As a group, we were explaining that having positive thoughts about things can actually help enhance your way of thinking. Obvious toxic substances, such as drugs and caffeine decreases your brain's performance.

Okay, so nothing particularly new.
Light. Banal. And you can come to grips with all potential questions.

Right? Wrong.
Facing an Oxford graduate is never easy. Both in casual and professional world. Not that I meet alot of them, but today, I happened to face a question coming from one: my instructor.

Question? Oh- let me rephrase that. More like a deadly rhetorical question that you're not able to classify as "rhetorical" till you see him laughing, and- mind you- leave your face feeling toasted and fingertips icy for what seemed to be 2 eternal seconds.

What happened was, a student asked whether we can prove that such substances are bad for the brain, because there are many examples of creative people in the world that consume them.
My answer was light; let's say that these "creative people" constitute 5% of the world's population. Now do you really want to take that risk of being in the 5%?
My question released murmurs of "no" from him... score! :-)

That was when my dear instructor said: "yeah, but isn't it a positive thought to think that we can be in the 5%?"

My face was probably drawing exclamation marks.

I was stunned. startled. astounded.

I was amazed.

Well, I was. That was after I pulled the corner of my lips to smile though :-)
Eventually he laughed it off, waving his hand up and down as though saying -hey-it-was-a-joke!-
I went back to my seat and felt the slight of admiration I had, rising.

Just one simple, smart comment.
Smart enough that it didn't seem intimidating. That, came later, hehe ;-)

*The subway card that valids for one school year. For people under 26 years old.
** Business Communication.

Happy birthday, Dad!

The last time I checked, I was only a couple of meters away from deadlines.
Hahaha, I'm nothing but a centimeter away now :-P
But I'll still arrogantly say I'm doing alright up here.

I love my "free times" that I've managed to squeeze into my timetable everyday. That every minute spent chatting over MSN, the every sensation of my head resting against my pillows, the every breath I take outside these four walls :-)

Enough about school, it never ends :-P

Hmm my daddy's birthday today! Talked to him this morning, wished him a happy birthday.
I don't talk alot with him, but I don't feel the need to. With how we are now, silence speaks a thousand words. His advices, his jokes, has a shudder of different intonations that's easily understood by me. He doesn't need to say he's disappointed, I would know. He mentions when he's proud, just to let me know. Knowing that that itself is a desired strength.
Whoa, sad to think that I missed the 'party.' Hix. Hehe.
Hahaha, what an irony, cried and laughed. Well I'm full of it so, shouldn't be of any great surprise to anyone :-)
Another hectic week awaits to be saluted.

Allah, give me strength ;-)

Hello Sunshine!

Soft rays of sun passes through puffy white clouds over the blue sky.
Beautiful :-)
Hmm and thanks for the chat ya, Cen. I appreciate it tons. I saw what I saw today because of it, ehehe.

To make up for the class we've missed some weeks back, my Composition & Rhetoric class was held today at 8.30 @ Victor Hugo building (Geez, it's damn close to EaB! Can you believe it? One street!). When I got there, there were only a few people in class and I remember thinking "...and I thought I was late."

The class was excellent, listened to a recording from an Italian-origin American (name forgotten, huahua). He spoke like a machine gun, but it was hilarious! Talked about the use of words, and their different connotations as compared to denotations. Well I'm sure you'll all be interested to read the details :-P

Before heading to boring math class, I fed myself full at McDonald's, hehe. Strangely enough, I got so bored in class, I wanted to sleep :-P A tummy full of junk and Statistics? Well, it just didn't seem to click :-)
When I got home, my bro asked me whether or not I want to "walk around the neighbourhood." We ended up talking strange things along the breezy walk. I must emphasize, the day was really beautiful.
Oh and yes, that wasn't the worst part, the worst part was that we stopped at McDonald's again on the way home! hahaha.
I know, I know... it's not healthy -__-"

On a more personal note (references outside my life, well- not really, but yes), I'm glad to know that you've solved your problem with -you-know-who-, Gi. Safe trip to London, gal. Enjoy yourself :-)
Kel, you've probably read the mail I sent you before reading this. Please don't get confused, I'm just happy to be feeling it at this moment, couldn't ask for more at this point ;-) *haha*
... And last but not least, one month before IB exams, huh? ;-) I wish you the best of luck, Junior. Hahaha *peace* ^ ^;

15/03/05

Listening to: [Keane - We might as well be strangers]
I don't know your face no more,
it's just a place I'm looking for...
We might as well be strangers in another town,
we might as well be living in a different world...
*thx Cen*

I got up rather late, and stayed in bed longer :-P
I sat there, folded my blanket with an empty thought. I had a nightmare last night, I remember it clearly, it happened the last five minutes of my sleep.

Alot is in my mind right now, after a friend's tragic tale that made her change who she is for who they thought she was, and my own conscious of where I'm leading myself. Both academic and socially.
I can't say much to help, I too, am in the same mess. Or at least I have a feeling I will be.

So much for carefree spring, hein.

I'm sure the mia I was a couple of years back would be disappointed in how I manage my life now.

I guess I just want to let loose and be wrapped inside my mom's spreading arms, inside her protective walls.

Haha, turned out I haven't changed at all.
Je suis toujours cette petite fille de 15 ans qui a besoin de sa famille aupres d'elle.

DoodleyDoo

Listening to: [Kai - Suddenly]
Suddenly, life has new meaning to me.
...There's beauty up above and things we never take notice of,
you wake up and suddenly, you're in love.
*hehe thanks Gi*

Hmm I hope you all like my new layout. I admit it's very girly with soft pink all over the page. However I thought it was simple, elegant and sophisticated just to the point I like :-)
Weekend was absolute wonderful. I didn't do much, just hung around online waiting for people to get online (Kel, you never showed up! iehiehi).

I find myself chatting alot with a friend I "met" recently over the net. It's actually a cyberspace where you try to get into contact with all your lost friends. Kinda like hi5, although they're mostly Indonesian there ^^; (Gals, I showed this once to you) Anyway, I hope you get the picture.

It started with a cousin of mine asking if I knew *him* (his name will be mr. DoodleyDoo since I haven't got permission to advertise his name here, hehe). My cousin believed that we were two old pals from elementary school in Jakarta. The school was tiny, so you couldn't be 'unnoticed.' Everyone knew everyone, and since we were all so pure hearted, there weren't any uncomfortable cold relationships between students like at EaB, if you know what I mean.

I've never heard of DoodleyDoo, so things kinda stopped there for a while. Then, I saw him on the cyber place I mentioned, and decided to message him. Said hi, and tried to figure out if we were really "old pals." One thing led to another, now we always chat and seem to be getting along peculiarly well (I meant every word on my last sentence, including "peculiar," haha). We knew the same people, shared the same impression, although we figured we were never pals. How could we have been? We've never even met :-) When I flew to Canberra, he flew to Jakarta. When I flew to Jakarta, he flew to Sydney.

This is just another story of two people that never met, but share the same stories of the past. And yes, it is ironic.

nb: DoodleyDoo, loe jangan gr yah, gue nulis elo karena emang gak ada topik lain, huahuaha.
**to non-indo english speakers:** I just said that the motto of life should be hakuna matata.
*to indo english speakers:* sstt! I know, I lied :-)
**to non-indo english speakers, again:** It's not important what I said, hehe.

Have a very nice day everyone! ;-)