I really liked you

"You know, saying that to the right girl could start a story."

"And not to you? Which still saddens me to this day."

I paused. Was it because I told him I was leaving? I mean, really, something as flattering as being liked made public before the leave is totally exciting. Perhaps it's the whole now or never dilemma; and with what your heart feels at that moment, usually never seems a little too long to wait. But I've been there, and certainly have done that.

How a guy feels about me is something I'm not cool in asking. I can be obsessively shy, and for the person to know that--I am good as deadmeat. I'd stumble on words and blaze red hot panic in my face. This is to tell someone that I appreciate them telling me. Which my heart does, more than my mouth anyway. The thing is I'd hate to be responsible for pushing such a good guy who had asked for a simple Indonesian date for the last year to rethink before he asks again. Like how I would if I'd ever ask a guy on one and have to settle with the busy excuse.

And for that I praise the heavens for making him nothing like me.

So why didn't he tell me before?

"It's all good. Otherwise I'd have to deal with you leaving now."

Aah. Well, as far as my experience has taught me, vulnerability when losing is very much part of the feeling.

About a guy

Midway through what was to be the making of a good conversation that night, I found myself focused on a certain guy that was diplomatically engaged in a conversation with my brother and me. The kind of helpless, complete, and fixated focus. Perhaps also in sudden self-strucking "what am I doing?!" conscience because my eyes quickly struggled to lay off when His Excellency was no longer talking.

There he sat; semi-formally dressed with a great, if not totally asphixiating God-given talent, ability of bringing value to a conversation effortlessly. His Excellency would talk, listen, and give his thoughts in perfect quantities in the most delicate way: a sort of maturity that is both young and powerful. Not to mention utterly delicious.

I began to admire His Excellency. And how admiration can be such an honest feeling! Especially when you know that your mother will like him.