three things

I should be studying, but my thoughts of the last 24 hours seem to flicker in my head and make me believe that writing it could make me feel better. For one, this morning before I decided to get out of bed, I was suddenly missing. What I did? Held tight to my pillow and inhaled the scent of fresh laundry. Second, I noticed some changes happening around the people I know at uni. I don't know their reasons for it, because from my view point I could only ask and satisfy myself with unclear answers before I believe that they've always been like that. Just not to me. Perhaps at one point before today they decided to want to get to know me. And that kind of thing always make me feel like starting at point zero, because out of nowhere, this person becomes someone new.

It's always nice, getting to know a new person. Exciting to find the things that make you more common to each other- like finding an old friend inside of a new character. And then there's the flirting, be it that you're both of the same gender, but flirting addresses admiration... The kind where the recipient finds value and self-respect. I find that completely harmless, and conversationally artful.

So third, I took a moment to see myself from the outside and concluded that I'm in an ironic situation. On one hand, I feel like I'm finally a part of something, but on the other, I feel like I'm between two places. I am being accepted but scared of it in the process. I'm afraid of wanting something I've always wanted. I want to reach out to them but I'm afraid.

Afraid that all I really want from anyone new is to find another you.

Once, 6 years ago.

Last night, there was a reunion held by a handful of alumni from the highschool I used to attend in Jakarta. It wasn't much from an event's critic point of view, but for me, it was a generous wake-up call. A wake-up call because most of my highschool mates have graduated, working, and starting to plan weddings. A wake-up call because there were faces I recognized but never took the chance to know. A wake-up call because those were the only people I would ever call highschool mates in Jakarta.

Life joked on me last night, I re-found my "highschool crush" and took the nerve to call out his name among all heads. Turned out that the day I left for Paris back in 2002, ever since, he was subjected to pressures of "calling" and/or "emailing" me because our mutual friends apparently think there could be something more going on. But nothing ever did. I packed my luggage and fleed, ending something that never had the chance to begin. Six years later, there we were, near the parking of our shared highschool, silenced, but thankful. Grateful for being able to admire each other so long that it would be senseless to think anything else were meant to be.

For a change, being around people that shared the same history felt warm and welcoming. I enjoyed last night, and how it ended with a self-promise to live my life the best that I could as I sat under the open sky night- watching the vibrant color of fireworks above.