Why won't I grow up?

A complete loser.

You know how it feels, when you've tried to hold something back and knowing that it's the best thing to be doing, but then you suddenly break. That very instant, you know that you've failed. Failed to convince the people you love that everything is okay, and worse- failed to prove that you're "adult" enough to deal with your own problems.

Well for me, it's more because I let those loved ones worry. After days knowing that something is wrong, and suddenly knowing it in the end. I feel pathetic.

Maybe it's because of my "youngest" nature that I tend to see myself so capricious at times. Always forcing my ego to come forward- knowing it's wrong, but assured that my two brothers will act as "bumper" thus when things go wrong, I'd still be safe. And when things occasionally go right, I'm the one crossing my arms smiling victoriously.

I don't know if understanding this with tears means any sign of "maturity." Or is it when I finally hear what I wanted to hear, but realise that I'm back to the starting point with no clearer clue as how to decide, maturity? The clock is ticking.

I blame myself. I blame myself for being exceptionally weak.
Why won't I grow up?